“THE POLYMER CHICKEN”

By
Spencer Dickson

                                                                      

                                                                     1.

FADE IN:

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY 
We are beside a crappy looking car in the parking lot of a KFC. 
Then, two guys in their early 20’s walk out of the restaurant. They are FOSTER and OSCAR. Oscar carries two bags of fried chicken in his arms and sips on a soda. Foster sips on a soda as well. They both walk up to the crappy car. Foster takes his keys out of his pocket and opens the driver side door. Oscar waits almost impatiently. Foster gets inside and closes his door, then reaches over and unlocks the passenger door. Oscar quickly opens it, gets in then closes it. 

INT.  CRAPPY CAR - DAY

                         OSCAR 
            Took you long enough. 

                         FOSTER 
            You’ll live. 

Oscar excitedly opens up the bag of chicken and smells the aroma. 

                         OSCAR 
            Ah man I love this stuff. You know, 
            if I were stranded on a desert island
            with only one kind of food to eat, 
            it would be this. 

                         FOSTER 
            Colonel Sanders, a genius. 

Oscar reaches into the bag, pulls out a bucket of original recipe and starts to chow down.  Foster opens the other bag, pulls out some popcorn chicken and starts eating it. 

                         OSCAR
             What I want to know is how are they
             able to get enough chicken to keep up
             with the demand? 

                         FOSTER
             They raise it on poultry farms.

                         OSCAR
             But think of the logistics Foster, 
             it doesn’t seem practical to grow 
             them on poultry farms.

Oscar stops eating.  Foster continues to chow down.
                         
                         FOSTER
                     (SARCASTIC)
             Then where else do they get them? 

                         OSCAR                                       2.
             I don’t know.  You’d think if they 
             could clone a sheep, they could 
             clone a chicken.

                         FOSTER
             They don’t use cloned chicken Oscar.

                         OSCAR
             But it would make a lot more sense 
             that way.  They could just keep 
             duplicating the same chicken over 
             and over in a huge underground 
             facility.  They wouldn’t have to 
             wait for them to hatch, they could
             just grow them in test tubes, cloned 
             chickens, millions and millions 
             of them!

                         FOSTER
             You read too much National Geographic.
             It’s not some kind of “X-files” 
             government conspiracy!  It’s just 
             fried chicken!

                         OSCAR
             But haven’t you noticed that it tastes 
             kind of polymer?  Kind of, manufactured? 

                         FOSTER
             If you’re not going to eat your “Polymer
             Chicken”, may I have it?

Oscar looks uncertain with the idea.

                         OSCAR
             I’m eating it.

Oscar starts chowing down again.

                         FOSTER
             Then what was all that about?

                         OSCAR
             I’m just searching for the truth.

                         FOSTER
             Fox Mulder.  

Another PAUSE.  Oscar stops eating.  Foster is still feasting on the popcorn chicken. 

                         OSCAR
             And what’s in that “Secret blend of 
             herbs and spices” anyway?  I mean 
             like what do they put in it?

                         FOSTER                                      3.
             I dunno.  Herbs and spices.
                         
                         OSCAR
             No, but really, why does it need to 
             be a secret recipe.  What the fuck’s
             that about?  Does Colonel Sanders 
             have something to hide?  Like cloned
             chicken?

                         FOSTER
             Colonel Sanders is dead.

                         OSCAR
             That’s besides the point.  I’m 
             talking about KFC.  I mean I’ve 
             read about how they use mechanically
             separated meat in their burgers.

                         FOSTER
             So.

                         OSCAR
             So they say mechanically separated
             “meat”.

                         FOSTER 
             And what the fuck is your point?

                         OSCAR
             My point is that they mechanically 
             separate “meat”.  It doesn’t have to 
             mean that it’s mechanically 
             separated chicken, it could be beef,
             pork, fish, pigeon, fucking raccoon!
             See, it could be anything! 

                         FOSTER
             Man Oscar, you’re too obsessive.
             Even if this isn’t chicken, they 
             can’t sell you the shit unless 
             it’s edible.

                         OSCAR
             Would you classify raccoon as edible?

                         FOSTER
             There isn’t any raccoon in KFC!

                         OSCAR
             But really, how can we be sure.  
             I mean we’re not in the processing
             plant when they make the crap.

                         FOSTER
             Oh for crying out loud Oscar. Would 
             you just shut the fuck up!
                                                                     4.
A PAUSE hits the conversation. 

                         OSCAR
             And what about that name?  “KFC”. 
             That could mean Kentucky fried cat,
             Kentucky fried crow, Kentucky fried 
             chameleon...

                         FOSTER 
             You’re too fucking paranoid man.

Foster continues too eat. 
       
                         OSCAR
             Oh man.  I can’t believe you’re 
             still eating that.  You know
             what I think they make that shit 
             out of?

                         FOSTER
                     (SARCASTIC)              
             Besides the cloned chicken and raccoon?

                         OSCAR
             The little bits of fat and skin they 
             sweep off the floors.

                         FOSTER
             Bullshit.

                         OSCAR
             No, really, You see they take the 
             odds and ends from the floors that
             fell off the cutting tables, 
             keep dunking them in batter, and 
             voila, popcorn chicken.  All 
             you’re eating is batter.  I mean 
             at least with original recipe 
             you’re getting some meat, even if
             it is raccoon.

                         FOSTER 
             There’s meat in these things.

                         OSCAR
                     (SKEPTICAL)
             Where?

Foster shows Oscar a half a piece of the popcorn chicken.
                         
                         FOSTER
             See, right here, underneath the...
             ...five layers of batter. 
              
Foster stops eating.
                    
                         OSCAR                                       5.
             Ha!  I am so right.  Man I’m gonna 
             write KF-fucking-C a letter!

                         FOSTER
                     (CONCERNED)
             I don’t believe it.  It can’t
             be true.  Colonel Sanders, why?!

                         OSCAR
             Yeah, well believe it my friend.  I’ve 
             even read stuff on the net about how 
             this one guy found out that he was 
             actually eating Kentucky fried tumor!

Foster is almost ready to toss his cookies.

                         FOSTER
                      (CONCERNED)
             Really?

                         OSCAR 
             I’m not shittin you.  Nope, face it,
             you’re probably eating stuff that 
             isn’t safe to feed a fuckin dog.

                         FOSTER
             Where do you get this shit from man?  
             You see crap-loads of people in these 
             places every day and you never hear of
             anybody getting sick or dying or anything.

                         OSCAR
             You think I’m overreacting?

                         FOSTER               
             Shit yeah.  If KFC was really like the
             way you’re saying it is, no one would
             eat there.

                         OSCAR
             You know what, you’re right I’m just
             being paranoid.

Oscar starts eating his chicken again. Foster starts eating the popcorn chicken again.  He swallows a few bites, grimaces and spits out something into his hand.      

                         FOSTER
             AH! 

                         OSCAR 
             What? 

                         FOSTER 
             It’s a fucking claw! 

Oscar stops eating.                                                  6.
                   
                         OSCAR 
             Let me see 

Foster moves his hand over so Oscar can see. Oscar examines it closely. 

                         OSCAR (CON’T) 
                       (DISSBELIEF) 
             No shit, it is! 

                         FOSTER 
             That’s it. I’m becoming a fucking 
             vegetarian man! How can they even
             sell this shit! If they’ve got 
             animal claws in them, what else 
             could there be?!  You are so right         
             man.  Everything you’ve said has
             been true. 

                         OSCAR
             I was actually right!  I can’t
             believe it!

                         FOSTER
             Colonel Sanders, that bastard!           
             I’m gonna sue him and his entire
             fucking corporation!  Messing 
             around with chicken DNA like that, 
             using bits off the floor and 
             lying too the Canadian public!  
             He’s goin DOWN!

                         OSCAR
                      (AGREEING)
             Fuckin A!

PAUSE.  Foster looks down at popcorn chicken in his hand.  Oscar looks down at the bucket of original recipe.  They gaze at their food hungrily.  

                         FOSTER
             Eh, what’re you gonna do.

They both start eating it again.

                                                              FADE OUT:

THE END

Author’s note:  

This script took me about a day to perfect, so I would really thank whoever produces it if he/she could keep it as intact as possible.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t change a few small aspects of it, i.e. the location. Just try not to butcher it.

As too the characters, just remember that OSCAR is the paranoid phobic, while FOSTER is the skeptic.  

I think that this should be fairly easy to shoot, as it all takes place in a car and is all dependant on the acting and timing.  

I can’t wait too see what this turns out like.   I hope whoever makes it enjoys it.  

-Spence