SPACE COPS: YELLOW CHRISTMAS
by K. Shawn Edgar

Act One, Scene One:
EXT. DEEP SPACE
A mid-sized ship plows curved space toward a bright, vaporous planet.
CLOSE ON spaceship's waste disposal hatch, detailed with the image of scull & crossbones, as it spirals open and emits a yellow liquid that quickly freezes into crystals.
PULLING BACK with the drifting crystals, as the hatch spirals closed and the scull & crossbones image is replaced by a bright yellow smiley face.

Scene Two:
INT. SPACESHIP -- LOUNGE
HARELLEN and CURLEIGH play a board game on a metal table at the center of the room.  Everything is weighted to compensate for low gravity.  Curleigh is wearing a flower-pattern shirt with a camera slung around his neck.  Harellen is dressed neck to toes in white vinyl.  Both wear low-gravity boots.
HARELLEN
Your move, photo-boy.
CURLEIGH
Not sure I can match your skill at Thermal Pogs, Harellen.  I'm used to playing Trystic.
HARELLEN
Well, Curleigh, give me your best shot.  You just need to make it interesting.
Curleigh executes a complex move on the Thermal Pogs board.  Harellen gives him a look of approval, then quickly makes a better move.
CURLEIGH
(distracted)
I haven't seen Rashit this upset since we stormed that nipple ranch on Tauris Prime and the ranch hands where already dead.
HARELLEN
Yeah, he sure was pissed he didn't get to kill anybody.
CURLEIGH
Told me he's pissed we have to be on the planet for Christmas.
HARELLEN
I didn't take that rat-fucker for the Christmas type.  Thought he'd slip arsenic into the sugar cookies and spit blood in the eggnog.
CURLEIGH
Well, I guess one never knows what's in someone else's heart.
HARELLEN
It's not his heart.  Bastard doesn't have one.  It's his wallet.  I think he's in this for the money.  But then, who isn't?  We're gonna make bank from this job.
CURLEIGH
Then why would he be upset about missing the Christmas parties?  I think he's torn inside.
HARELLEN
Rashit's torn alright.  But you're too eager to believe.  I think he's messing with you.
CURLEIGH
Maybe.  But I wish there was something I could do when we get back to the ship to help him celebrate since we'll be missing all tomorrow's parties.
TRYSTIC, dressed in full spacesuit and carrying his helmet, enters.  He is talking to himself without regard for Harellen & Curleigh's conversation.  As he approaches their table, we HEAR what he's saying.
TRYSTIC
Oh Dartmouth, why the slimy bombast heathens interrupting our day of parties?  Must drop our parties because some Ponyists can't control themselves.
CURLEIGH
Trystic, I think you meant to say Cultists.  The people on the planet are religious cultists.
HARELLEN
Come on, instead of eating irradiated beef steak and thermostabilized fruit cocktail we get to go down there and clean house.
TRYSTIC
I'm not liking this very much.  I wanted to experience intermediate moisture mashed-cranberry-log-of-dried-ham.
CURLEIGH
But, Trystic, the people down there need us.  Captain Odie said Senator Maximus told him that this Terrence character is convincing the people to kill themselves.
TRYSTIC
We be missing Christmas, Curleigh.  Those people should do want they want.  Maybe the Ponyist knows what he's talking about.
HARELLEN
We won't know for sure who the good guys are till we get down there.  But really the 'good guys' are the one's that pay us the most.
WE HEAR a loud, commanding voice from the interior communications system:
CAPTAIN ODIE (VO)
Alright you idiots, report to the Launch Bay at once!

Scene Three:
INT. SPACESHIP – TOILET
Using leg-restraints and a thigh-bar to keep his ass from drifting, RASHIT positions himself on the toilet seat.  He attaches his personal urinal funnel to the toilet's adaptor, and fans kick in sucking the bodily waste into the commode like a vacuum cleaner.  After a grueling dump, he takes a comb and hair pomade from his personal hygiene kit and slicks his hair.
CUT TO:
LAUNCH BAY
TRACKING four pairs of space boots as they enter the DROP SHIP.  A moment later, a fifth pair of boots can be HEARD pounding through the entrance to the bay, and then SEEN entering the drop ship.

Act Two, Scene One:
EXT. PLANET DOROTHEA
Harellen, Curleigh, Trystic, CAPTAIN ODIE and Rashit move toward a group of small huts.
CAPTAIN ODIE
Alright, Rashit, you're out front.  If anybody makes trouble, you take 'em down.
Rashit walks in front of the others toward the village.
CAPTAIN ODIE (CONT'D)
Curleigh, Trystic; go with Rashit and question the villagers.  I'm going to see Senator Maximus at Alpha Records Complex on the West end of Central Mass.  Harellen, you're with me.
HARELLEN
Curleigh, watch yourself with Rashit.  Don't trust that rat fucker.
CAPTAIN ODIE
That's enough.  Let's move.
They start to move away from each other.
CURLEIGH
(to Harellen)
Trystic and I will keep Rashit in line.
HARELLEN
We'll meet up at the apex of Central Mass Quadrangle in two hours.

Scene Two:
VILLAGE MARKET
Flat faced men and banana headed women inhabit small, dank three-walled huts.  Everything is compact and cluttered and strung with small green, red and yellow lights.  An old man, dressed in rags, sits on a mat in the dirt as Curleigh, Trystic and Rashit walk past.
OLD MAN
(chanting)
Spare a dark matter token.  Spare a dark matter token.
CURLEIGH
(to Trystic)
So, you're telling me because your older sister beat you, you like to have sex with alien animals?!
TRYSTIC
Wuzzah mammillate.
CURLEIGH
There's a word for that, you know.
TRYSTIC
(strange smile)
Age-old good times!
RASHIT
(interrupting)
Shut your poi holes.  Something's not right.  This place is filled with crazy hedge jumpers.  Can't you feel it?  The ooze of sickness.  Look at that wasted fuck begging for tokens.
CURLEIGH
(concerned)
Poor old man.  Maybe we can help him.
RASHIT
Help him?!  If the poor fuck needs money, he should take it!
Rashit grabs the old man off his mat and clocks him in the face.  Trystic laughs and starts kicking the guy in the ass.  Rashit pushes him toward Curleigh, and clocks him in the face again.
CURLEIGH
That's enough, Rashit!  We're here to get information about Terrence, not kick the shit out of the locals.  Let's move.
OLD MAN
Terrence you say.
Rashit, stepping forward and grabbing the old man by the throat:
RASHIT
What do you know about him, dirt maggot?!
OLD MAN
Why do you seek him?
RASHIT
I'm asking the questions around here, fuckhead!
Curleigh steps in and pulls them apart:
CURLEIGH
We are here to ask him some questions.  That's all.
OLD MAN
(pointing to Rashit)
And will this fine gentleman be asking the questions?
CURLEIGH
We're here on behalf of the people.  To protect them, if need be, from Terrence.  But we won't hurt him if we can help it.
RASHIT
Fuck that!  I'm gonna hurt him just like I'm hurting this dirt maggot!
Rashit and Trystic jump the old man.  Rashit straddles his chest and digs a long, pointy fingernail into one eye.
Curleigh pulls Trystic away from the old man.  But Rashit continues digging until he plucks the old man's eye out.
Holding the eyeball in front of the old man's face:
RASHIT (CONT'D)
Now do you see my point, dirt maggot?!  Where is Terrence?!
CURLEIGH
(in Rashit's face)
What the hell are you doing, man?!
Rashit pushes Curleigh to the ground.  Then he grabs the old man.  The eyeball falls to the dirt.
CURLEIGH (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing, man?!
TRYSTIC
Saucy good grubbing.  Eyeballs are top special treat on my world.
Many villagers take notice and jump in.  They try to pull Rashit off the old man.
Curleigh is pummelled by women with long sticks of hard meat as he attempts to get to his feet.
Trystic dives into the thick of the action, kicking and punching.
TRYSTIC (CONT'D)
Saucy good grubbing, Curleigh!  Get the eyeball!  Me momenta!
CURLEIGH
(from under a fat woman)
Rashit, what the hell are you doing, man?!  You're causing a riot.
Rashit rolls over on top of the old man, as villagers hit him with brooms, and pounds the old man in the face repeatedly.
RASHIT
I'm getting needed information, fuckhead!  Now shut up, and let me do my job.
Rashit draws his vapor cannon and aims at the fat woman's head as she wallops Curleigh with a beef stick.

Scene Three:
ALPHA RECORDS COMPLEX
Captain Odie and Harellen talk to SENATOR MAXIMUS.  Armed guards stand nearby.
SENATOR MAXIMUS
--the worst kind of social dissident.  Terrence will not rest until he has turned the minds of all my people to his evil beliefs.
CAPTAIN ODIE
You can count on my men and me to take care of the situation for you, senator.
sENATOR MAXIMUS
The less fortunate villagers routinely chant his vile slogans.
cAPTAIN ODIE
We will simply remove Terrence from the scene, and in his absence, the people will again turn to you for guidance.
sENATOR MAXIMUS
They carry his picture, not mine...
hARELLEN
Is there anything else we should know, senator?
sENATOR MAXIMUS
Not that I can think of.  What did you have in mind?
hARELLEN
Do you know his daily MO?  Does he spend any time alone?
sENATOR MAXIMUS
I do not care about his personal habits!
cAPTAIN ODIE
Harellen did not mean any offense, senator.
seNATOR MAXIMUS
That is not my concern.
hARELLEN
The more we know, the quicker we can end this for you.
sENATOR MAXIMUS
I will send my information specialist with you.  She knows the unmentionable details of Terrence.
Scene Four:
central mass quadrangle
tracking on
Rashit, Curleigh and Trystic as they run to the apex of the quadrangle.  Rashit is dragging the old man by one ankle.
They come to a stop, and Trystic holds up the old man's eyeball.  Curleigh is breathing heavily, eyes darting nervously in every direction at once.
Two of the more hardy villagers come up from behind.  Trystic, licking the eyeball, pulls his photon pulsar cannon and blows their heads off.
cURLEIGH
Stop!  Stop!  Stop!
tRYSTIC
What?
cURLEIGH
Stop!
tRYSTIC
What?
cURLEIGH
Stop!  No no no.
tRYSTIC
What?  Eyeball is good.
Rashit kicks the old man and spits into his empty eye socket.
More villagers pour onto the quadrangle and rush Rashit, Trystic and Curleigh.
rASHIT
(at the old man)
Stop crying!
oLD MAN
(confused)
I'm not crying.
RASHIT
Stop your crying!
Trystic kills two more villagers as Curleigh attempts to hold off several others.
oLD MAN
I am not crying.  You are.
Rashit is pounding the old man.  Someone throws a rock, hitting Rashit in the head.
rASHIT
(crying)
Answer my question!
oLD MAN
You may go.
rASHIT
You're Terrence!
The villagers have almost overtaken Trystic and Curleigh.
oLD MAN
No.
rASHIT
Yes.  Stop lying.
olD MAN
No.  You may go.
Rashit clocks the old man with the butt of his vapor cannon on the beat of each word:
rASHIT
Yes!  You!  Are!  Terrence!
oLD MAN
(calmly transcending)
No.  You are Terrence...now.
With a space-bending flash:
WHIP PAN
Rising majestically from the opposite side of the apex, WE SEE a silver clad figure.  This HEAVENLY CREATURE hovers above the ground.

Scene Five:
road to quadrangle
Captain Odie, Harellen and TARA (information specialist) stroll along like tourists.
tara
Terrence is the lambda force of our society.
caPTAIN ODIE
He holds your people together?
hARELLEN
No, sir.  She means he's the 'antigravity' of their society.
taRA
Yes.  Terrence causes our people, businesses and clusters of businesses to distance themselves from one another.
hARELLEN
But what I saw of the village on our way to Alpha Records Complex was closely knit, even claustrophobic.
taRA
Yes, yes, yes but that's where the poor live.  They stay close together.  The meaningful cosmic habitats of our cities are expanding.
caPTAIN ODIE
That sounds like a good thing.
hARELLEN
Yeah, unless you're poor.
taRA
It is a good thing, and I plan for Terrence to continue.  Despite what Maximus wants.

scene six:
cENTRAL mASS QUADRANGLE
two shot
Curleigh and Trystic stare numbly at something unbelievable.
curleigh & Trystic
Rashit?
pan 180 degrees
Hovering above the crowd of bloodied villagers, Heavenly Creature, radiates happiness.  He looks like Rashit.  But the crowd is CHANTING:
crowd
Terrence.  Terrence.  Terrence.
The old man, mangled and broken, smiles a knowing smile, and then falls over dead onto the still body of Rashit.
heavenly creature
Damn the social system.  It is stagnant.  Each and every atom in your body looks up at the night sky and sees a galaxy of stars.  And each of those stars are orbited by retinues of planets made up of atoms.  Within each atom there are galaxies, and within each galaxy are more solar systems.
Curleigh shakes off the surprise and smacks Trystic up side the head.  Heavenly Creature is HEARD in the background.
cURLEIGH
Find Rashit.
tRYSTIC
Me monotone.  Dabble good.
Curleigh moves toward Heavenly Creature.
cURLEIGH
Terrence!  You have the right to remain silent.
The villagers turn on Curleigh, and Heavenly Creature throws his arms up dramatically.
heAVENLY CREATURE
Silence is for the weak!
Trystic pulls the old man's body off of Rashit's body.
Curleigh draws his vapor cannon.
Heavenly Creature continues to blather on about space.
The villagers become frenzied and start to tear at each other.
Tara, followed by Captain Odie & Harellen, moves through the crowd forcibly.
taRA
Stop.
Tara runs at Curleigh.
Harellen sees this and moves to stop her.
Everything is chaos.  Everyone yelling and fighting.  Captain Odie is shouting orders and blasting people.
Harellen and Tara fight, while Curleigh tries to get to Heavenly Creature to restrain him.
Chaos.  Everyone talking at once:
caPTAIN ODIE
Trystic, kill that old bitch.  And stop that fat man before he ... shit.
heAVENLY CREATURE
Feeble contrivance; you will not stop the transcendency.
tRYSTIC
Holy A-bombed.  Two Rashits.
CURLEIGH
Terrence is controlling you.  Stop.  Let us do our jobs.
hARELLEN
Take that, hussy!
caPTAIN ODIE
You there, fuck off.
taRA
But he will save us.
heaVENLY CREATURE
Plankton, a shimmering phosphorescence on the sea and the chaotic crowd and photons of light, all are bound to me...
Suddenly Rashit stands up, knocking Trystic down, and levels his vapor cannon at Heavenly Creature's face.
heAVENLY CREATURE (CONT'D)
I swell as you swell.  I am a multiverse within myself-
Rashit fires his vapor cannon, blowing Heavenly Creature into quantum foam.
Time stands still.

scene seven:
alPHA reCORDS COMPLEX
A crowd of villagers is holding Rashit above its head and chanting in one voice: Terrence, Terrence, Terrence...
Captain Odie, Harellen, Curleigh and Trystic stand in a cluster, weapons drawn.
Senator Maximus is high above on a balcony overlooking the scene.
Tara stands in front of the villagers and addresses Maximus.
taRA
Maximus, you are perihelion in your course.  You have taken us as far as you are able.  And Terrence is your son.  It is now his time to emit light and heat, to guide us along our perigee.
sENATOR MAXIMUS
Enough!  You are all children.  This thing my people carry aloft is not my son.
taRA
He is!
crOWD
(screaming)
Terrence, Terrence, Terrence...
sENATOR MAXIMUS
The transcendency is a lie.
taRA
You're a lie!  You no longer exist.
crOWD
Terrence, Terrence, Terrence...
Maximus draws a weapon, and shoots Tara in the head.
The crowd lowers Rashit to the ground.  Instantly, the other space cops are around him.
sENATOR MAXIMUS
Its myth was created to ensure an heir of mine would continue after me.  I am far from ending my reign, and this intruder is not my heir.  He and these other hirelings are here on false pretense.  They should be killed.
The space cops tense, and get ready for a fight.
sENATOR MAXIMUS (CONT'D)
(with manic glee)
Yes!  Kill them.  Kill them all.  You are my children.  I will bring you happiness.  Kill-
The Crowd stones Senator Maximus to death.
cROWD
Terrence, Terrence, Terrence.
The Senator falls from his high perch to the ground at their feet.
rASHIT
Did we already get paid?
caPTAIN ODIE
Yes.  Thank God.  I made sure we got the money up front.
hARELLEN
Yeah, now I think we better get the fuck out of here.
cURLEIGH
What about these people?  What are they going to do?  Would somebody like to tell me that?
The old man, still missing an eyeball, steps from the crowd.
oLD MAN
What will we do?  We will do what people always do, project...turn our praise on this gentleman that so resembles our Terrence.
crOWD
Terrence, Terrence, Terrence...
OLD MAN
See, the villagers are unanimous.  He must stay and lead us.
hARELLEN
Oh, I don't think they really want that.
cURLEIGH
Rashit isn't a leader.
caPTAIN ODIE
Hell no.  I'm the leader around here, and I'm not losing a man on my watch.  All my cops are leaving the surface with me.
oLD MAN
I believe the crowd has the power.  You saw what it did to the Senator.
hARELLEN
Yeah, but the Senator wasn't armed to the teeth.
tRYSTIC
Me momenta!
Trystic blows away two of the closest villagers.
The villagers start to tear at each other.
The old man smiles a knowing smile.
rASHIT
Stop, dirt maggots.  Be silent.
cURLEIGH
What are you doing, Rashit.
hARELLEN
Let's kill these fuckers, and get the hell out of here.  Captain Odie?
caPTAIN ODIE
Yeah.  Let's move.  But only kill if they try to stop us.
The space cops start to move away from the villagers.
rASHIT
No.  I am Terrence.  And I will lead the people into a new age of grandeur.
tRYSTIC
Oh, haggle hot pie.  Done snapped.
caPTAIN ODIE
Harellen. Curleigh.  Grab Rashit.  We're getting out of here even if we have to carry him.
Rashit steps quickly away, draws his vapor cannon and calls out in a clear voice:
rASHIT
I am Terrence.  The transcendency is real.  No one can stop it.  Old man, back me.
The old man moves to Rashit's side.
oLD MAN
The crowd is pleased.  Terrence is unstoppable.
RASHIT
(to the old man)
I will lead your villagers for a price.
Harellen is standing closest to the old man and Rashit.
hARELLEN
(to Curleigh)
Rashit's cutting a deal.
cURLEIGH
This could get ugly.
HARELLEN
Be ready to grab him.
The old man steps back from Rashit.
oLD MAN
The price will be on your head.
He runs toward the crowd.
Harellen readies her hypo-galactic photon phasing rifle and storms the crowd.
olD MAN (CONT'D)
He is a fraud.  Terrence would not ask for money.
rASHIT
Oh yeah?  Well, that's just too bad, dirt maggot.
Rashit levels a shot at the old man from his vapor cannon, and his body disappears into a cloud of atoms.
Harellen is in the crowd kicking and punching and blasting holes in people the size of dwarf stars.
Curleigh grabs Rashit, and pushes him toward Trystic.
cURLEIGH
You two get back to the ship now!
Captain Odie and Curleigh start picking off villagers from all around Harellen as Rashit and Trystic slowly walk away.

act three, scene one:
int. SPACESHIP -- louNGE
Rashit stands alone by a bank of windows.  The rest of the space cops, except Curleigh, sit around a large steel table.
tRYSTIC
Not even any left overs of hyper mashed potatoes.  Me memento mori.
hARELLEN
Christmas isn't always about food.  Sometimes killing and money have to come first.
caPTAIN ODIE
You all did a great job down there.  Remember: what happens on the planet, stays on the planet.
HARELLEN
That's right.  Mitbowl, how where things up here?  Did you enjoy your holiday?
mitbowl
Harellen, never stay aboard when the action is going down somewhere else.  It doesn't matter how many parties are going on, this ship is boring.

scene two:
SPACESHIP – TOILET
Curleigh hastily opens his spacesuit and attaches his personal urinal funnel to the toilet's adaptor.  He's been saving this one all day.  He takes a long urination.
WE HEAR the vacuum cleaner-like flushing sound as Curleigh pulls himself into the passageway.

scene three:
sPACESHIP -- lounge
Curleigh enters and walks to the table.
harellen
Man, you must've had to drop a brick.
miTBOWL
What's the special occasion?
cURLEIGH
Glad you asked.
Curleigh moves closer to Rashit and the windows.
cURLEIGH (CONT'D)
Rashit, I know how badly you wanted to stay aboard ship for Christmas.  So, I thought I'd do something festive to make up for you missing the parties.
rASHIT
Screw you, dirt maggot.
hARELLEN
Now boys, play nice.
caPTAIN ODIE
That's right.  If you don't have anything nice to say -- say, what did you do, Curleigh.
HARELLEN
Yeah, you weren't gone long enough to have baked a cake.
Curleigh steps to the bank of windows so everyone can see past him, and gestures outside.
cURLEIGH
Rashit, this one's for you.
As the space cops watch intently, a menagerie of yellow crystals drift past.  Each chunk of frozen pee is in the shape of a different Christmas tree ornament: a star, a reindeer and a snowman.
After a moment of silence, all the space cops laugh and cheer, except for Rashit.  He watches the crystals float, then turns to leave the room.
At the door, he stops:
RASHIT
Thanks for that, Curleigh.
reverse angle
Everyone is shocked and silent.  The crystals drift away from the ship.

THE END