SPACE COPS
EPISODE 1 : Big Brains Filled with Goo

Written by Warren Blyth

PROLOGUE: INT. SPACE.
LAURENT PERPORTRAY, A mangy man in a tattered expensive suit, rips through hyperspace in his hondaDY2000.
Flashing lights emerge behind him as the whole gang of space cops on laser cycles give chase.
A voice blasts through his ship as Laurent pounds the controls.

		BOOMING COP VOICE OVER
	SLOW THE VEHICLE DOWN NOW, SCUM, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY
	SRAT YOU, PIGS-

HARELLEN, a sexy Spanish space cop in army fatigues, empties a shoulder mounted laser cannon into the speeding ship's ass.
Everything slams on the breaks as the ship shits a cloud of metal disarray.

MITBOWL, a muscle bound Austrian, and CURELEIGH, a spry Australian, leap from their laser cycles and tear into the hull with clawed gauntlets, which shred the ship's delicate shape. 

DUM-E, a Chinese gymnast, parks his laser bike in front of Laurent's crumbling ship.

		DUM-E
	Halt, civilian! Regulation five sixty niner alpha indicates-

Dum-E is vaporized by the hondaDY2000's forward blasters.

		CAPTAIN ODIE 
	AAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

CAPTAIN ODIE SIREISH, manly American leader of the space cops, implodes Laurent's windshield with his cycle and manages to deck Laurent before everything on the bridge is sucked back out into the vacuum. Laurent suffocates and bleeds from various orifices until an interrogation preservation suit is applied by officers TRYSTIC, a blue antennaed Arab, and GIYYY, a handsome British family man. 
Laurent is left hog tied and spinning in this tight white bag with metal manacles. An umbilical handle connects his bound hands/feet to his large fishbowl bubble helmet. Mitbowl emerges from the ruined honadDY2000 hull.

		MITBOWL
	TALK, MORTEFOSHKER!

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	Why were you speeding, asshich? 

Laurent drifts towards Harellen, and gasps his helmet's oxygen like a hyperventilating actor. 
Harellen kicks Laurent over to Captain Odie and lights her death styxerette. 
Captain Odie snags Laurent by the umbilical, and their face masks clink as Captain Odie shouts in Laurent's face.

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	You better start talking, civilian, 
	or I’m gonna let Mitbowl over there gut you with his ion sickle. 		

Laurent's head rattles around in the fishbowl, smearing the clotted blood on his face. The other space cops present stand at attention in a circle around Captain Odie, but drift around in odd directions. 
Laurent’s eyes dart around as he tries to shrug his head down into his oversized neckpiece. 
Officer Curleigh emerges from the ruined hondaDY2000, snapping photos of the wrecked space ship and the floating debris.

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	GODDAMNIT!

		TRYSTIC
	TALK, TICK! TALK!
	
Captain Odie spins Laurent around towards Mitbowl who reaches out greedily. Mitbowl's facemask is speckled in spit and drool. 

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY 
	ALRIGHT! Jesus. the hell is wrong with you cocks!

Captain Odie wraps a mighty paw around the Laurent's throat piece, choking him.

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	That's the last time, civilian.

Captain Odie throws Laurent to Mitbowl who catches him by jamming a fist into his stomach. Mitbowl then roundhouses Laurent, which causes his head to bounce around in the glass bubble like a rubber ball.

		MITBOWL
	I need no more reasons to erase you, Puke.

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY
	You could not possibly begin to understand what is to be explained-

Mitbowl roundhouses Laurent again.

		MITBOWL
	Try me.

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY
Have you studied even the most rudimentary of orackish continu-umon theory? This is impossible! Take me back to your superiors.  At least-

		GIYYY
	Oh please. We've been through grade school. 

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	We know that one plus one doesn't always add up to two.

		CURLEIGH
	We know that one is the loneliest way to perish, perp.

		TRYSTIC
	Try tell us to receive the safe ties.

Laurent looks around at cops surrounding him. 

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY
	I shan't.

		MITBOWL
	Maybe we should let this one go, Capitan.

Captain Odie nods. Mitbowl tosses Laurent off into the infinite void. Laurent wiggles pathetically and screams. 

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY
	Gawd have mercy! I am talking about the END OF SPACE ITSELF! 
	Do you think you rocky jockeys could possibly understand my meanings?

Harellen's eyebrows pop up, and she looks to the captain. 

		GIYYY
	Great Scott! The end of space itself?

		HARELLEN
	Insanity.

		MITBOWL
	Uh, sir.

Captain Odie nods repeatedly, like he's having a seizure. 
Mitbowl reels Laurent in, via a tractor beam he jammed in his guts earlier.

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY (in tears)
	Quantum particle conflaguration. 
	The moebius strip stripped and reverted to an inverted co-he-drecacon.
	Caramel particles!

		GIYYY
	Give him here, Mitbowl.

Giyyy floats up next to Mitbowl, and they both tug on his umbilical.

		TRYSTIC
	He has the space brain pain, no?

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY	
	You don't understand, fine shiny police man, i cannot tell you any more for the risk of your own scientific sanity.

		MITBOWL
	We played this game seconds ago. 

		GIYYY
	There's nothing we won't do to you, meat packet. Elaborate.

Laurent winces, looks around, and hisses through his clenched teeth.

		LAURENT PERPORTRAY
	Ok. Fine. Happily. Well. You see-

Laurent explodes in a strange bloody mist of body parts, all over Giyyy and Mitbowl.

		GIYYY
	Frack! That is fracked up!

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	Did anyone?

		MITBOWL
	Not me, captain.

		CURLEIGH
	Nope.

		TRYSTIC
	Negative.

		HALLEREN
	Damnit.

		TRYSTIC
	Guess we should be reporting to the base then ey, Cap?

The cops jet off to their cycles, abandoning the debris of Laurent and his ship. 

BEGIN OPENING CREDITS
A boot stamps down onto alien soil, kicking up dust.
A billion savage purple aliens run over a far off hill with spears and rocks.
The boot belonged to space cops, who continue exiting their ship and locking and loading. One begins to fire. 
The alien race is demolished in laser fire.

The starship endoprize rockets through hyperspace and a pair of spinning police lights raise into the foreground.
A variety of cliche space bad guys (toys?) are thrown into sci-fi prison cells.

Laser Cycles blast off from a ruined city, dropping off a white sheet of plastic paper. Crying children drop to their knees in the rubble and look to the heavens. We see the plastic paper the cops dropped is a bill of service.

Each of the space cops gets their own glory shot for their title.

A cop slams a purple octopus's head into an interrogation table, then throws it around. 
The purple octopus hemorrhages glowing green blood as he flies around the room.
Another cop, in the shadows, wipes the glowing blood off his grim stubbled chin.

END OPENING CREDITS

SCENE 1: INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - MESS HALL. DINNER TIME.
Curleigh sits with Harellen at a long white cafeteria table and looks out through long crystal windows into space.
Off in a corner, Captain Odie floats around Giyyy and Mitbowl, berating them. Everyone is dressed down in sweat pants and tank tops.

		Curleigh
	The captain still seem pretty spooked by that mess we left this morning.
Ey, halleren?

Harellen eats.

		Curleigh
	I said 'ey, Harellen?'

Harellen eats.

		Curleigh
	Those tatoe's good?

		Harellen
	You know I didn't sign up for this pish, Curleigh. 
	Not to bungle clues about the possible END OF SPACE ITSELF.

		Curleigh
	I might have. 

		Harellen
	What does that mean anyway? Everyone knows it's limitless.

		Curleigh
	What did you sign up for?

		Harellen
	It weren't the food neither, Curleigh. 
I can tell ya that much, pretty boy.

Harellen flicks her food at Curleigh while GORT, the skinny moustached mechanic, and MIYIKILL, the fat greasy mechanic, 
set their trays down at the table.

		Gort
	I heard you guys foshkied an arrest this A.M. and the Commish is gonna
have the Cap's fine ass in a sling by breakdown.

		MIYIKILL
	uh huh! ass down!

		Harellen
	I know you aren't undermining the Captain, Gort.

		Gort
	I make things, officers. Things like small talk.

		MIYIKILL
	And bot nipples.

		Curleigh
	Just keep the oil stains on your side of the table.

RASHIT, the sleaziest cop in the squad, and HELMET, a man in full space suit with shiny face shield, walk up.

		HELMET
	Is this seat taken?

Harellen gestures. Helmet sits down with his tray in front of him. He is dressed in full space suit of an old rubbery design. his face shield hides him, with it's blue mirrored finish.

		RASHIT
	Fellows, allow me to introduce private ensign Helmet Ruddicker.

		HELMET
	Hi. I'm the new guy. 

		Curleigh
	Obviously.

Helmet salutes Curleigh with two fingers.

		HELMET
	Officer Vito Curleigh, Salutations.

		Harellen
	How long you been on the force, Ruddicker?

		Helmet
	Not as long as you, Sergeant Ovie Harellen first class.

		Curleigh
	You know Harellen is sexless? She got it shot off about 2 years ago 
when we were tooling around in the Carni Sector.

Harellen kicks Curleigh under the table.

		Helmet
	I do know, in fact.

		Curleigh
	Ha ha. So, don't try too hard to impress her pants off. so to speak. um.

Helmet's face shield reflects a strange silence.

		Miyikill
	That true?

		Harellen
	None of your business, grease junkie.

		RASHIT
	Ignore the mechanics, helmet. 

		Gort
	So, new guy, what's with the getup?

		Miyikill
	Why full fatigues? 

		GORT
	Didn't Rashit show you where the air lockers be?

		Helmet
	Fools.

		Gort
	What did you say, new meat?!

		Helmet
	Nothing. Forget it.

		Rashit
	Gotta admit, Ruddicker, I too am curious.

		Helmet
	I'd rather not talk about it.

		RASHIT
	Fair enough-

		HELMET
	Well, you know tiny asteroids could pepper the hull at any second, 
sucking this sickly sweet cafeteria atmosphere out into the death void,
alongside your tatoes and swill, and you chumps would be left gasping 
like dead idiots while I floated pretty in this baby. 

		Harellen
	You aren't serious.

		HELMET
	I am dead serious. 

		Curleigh
	So this is what it's like to be the new guy.

		Rashit
	Well you must take it off at some point. To pee. For example. 

		Curleigh
	Lemme see.

		Helmet				
	I'd prefer you stayed away. For safety’s sake, sir.

		Curleigh
	Come on, rookie, lemme take a peak. Initiation.

Helmet struggles to keep curleigh away.

		Harellen
	Lay off, Curleigh.

		Curleigh
	Um, No.

		HELMET
	I NEVER TAKE IT OFF!

Helmet shoves Curleigh away.

		Curleigh
	Ok. shish.	

		Gort
	You know, friend, you could use some tuning.

		Miyikill
	I had a quadrangle wrench this morning (pause) but i lost it.

Gort and Miyikill snicker and giggle.

		Curleigh
	Do you guys share a towel when you double ream the shower valve?

Gort and Miyikill move to a different table.

		Harellen
	You know the millennia may have passed, 
but the chicken still tastes best kickin’.

Everyone nods in agreement. Rashit slaps Helmet on the back.

SCENE 3: INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - Barracks. Midnight.
A pajama'd GIYYY sits up in a spot lit bed, stroking a small teddy bear prostrated before him. 
The rest of the space cops are sound asleep in the bunks around him.
Tentacles slip out from Teddy's paws and caress GIYYY's fondling hands.

		GIYYY
	Teddy, sometimes I think you're my only friend. You have all the answers.
You hold all the keys. Being an officer in this group is tough. It's tough to seek a shoulder to cry on. 
	It's hard to keep my sanity when everyday I bring so much JUSTICE into the 
universe. Sometimes I think I should put you aside, Teddy. Neglect you.
Deflect you. And write home to Veronica and the kidlets instead. 
	Let them know that Daddy is still a man. That Daddy still wants to be
their role model. And a Loving, caring, and caressing hunk of steaming 
testicles. Let them know that I'll be coming for them soon. 
	And the law won't keep us apart anymore than the stacks of corpses have 
kept me from being the most decorated officer in this whole hang nail 
outfit. 
But how can I explain the void that has grown up in the space between us? 
	Like a bastard child fathered by my absence. How can I overcome the 
silence that has matured in the past 6 years to crush my connection to my 
only adored civilian loved ones? What is it, Teddy? what is the answer? 
what am I driving at tonight?
	
		TEDDY
	OUCH! FUCK! DAMNIT!

GIYYY furrows his eyebrows, then flips Teddy over to reveal two grotesque Nipples bleeding on it's back.

		GIYYY
	Gort! GOOOORRRRT!!

Giyyy jumps off his bunk and runs of for the door, screaming.

		GIYYY
	Wake up you sadistic shit! You sark nippled with your last bot buddy, 
Socket Head! Mechanical marauding just cost you your stinking life-

Before Giyyy can exit the barracks, all the space cops are teleported away.

SCENE 4 : INT. LUFTWAFTIAN SPACE CRUISER. AFTER MIDNIGHT.
EMPEROR ZIZOR sits in his throne stroking his chin. Beside him are his advisors NINA and PORTLY. 
Each of these identical Luftwaftian aliens has huge green brain sacks and flowing blue robes fringed in metal intricacy.
The various space cops materialize inside the Luftwaftian throne room, still in the sleep wear. 

		Emperor Zizor
	You were in your beds just minutes ago. Dreaming of anything but contact 
with a new breed of intelligent life forms.

		Rashit
	Aliens! 

Giyyy shoves Teddy behind his back, and muffles teddy's pained protest.

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	What the hell are you bloated head sacks?

		PORTLY
	We are not your naked schoolmates, though you spent the last 4 hours
Dreaming those devils would see your inadequate equations of cultural 
redundancy improperly displayed on a chalkboard of blood.

		Curleigh
	Where the sarc are we?

		ZIZOR
	One thing is for sure, cur-lay. 
You are no longer in your comfortable earthman beds.

		Rashit
	Aliens!

Zirrrr-whip the door to the throne room zips open and Harellen and Mitbowl are escorted in by more Luftwaftians.

		Mitbowl
	I am so angry right now.

		Harellen
	Why are we here?

		ZIZOR
	You wished to ask that question 37 seconds ago, before your captain, 
Oh-dee sy-r-ish, proffered his initial inimitable insult.

		Mitbowl
	Hey, where was-

		ZIZOR
	You were sleeping without clothing. a curious condition. to be so bare.
	One of our guards offered you his outer layer of lining so that you would
be presentable in my presence.

Mitbowl just glowers.

		ZIZOR
	Vanish him!

Mitbowl teleports away.
Rashit shoots Mitbowl’s alien escort in the head, splattering it.

		Rashit
	Aliens!

		Captain Odie
	
Magic!

		ZIZOR
	We have merely sent his particles back to your ship, so they should learn
some interspecies manners. It is perfectly harmless. Witness.

Harellen is teleported around the room repeatedly despite protests.
Rashit shoots another alien in the head. Then shoots his gooey remains repeatedly.

		PORTLY
	We have many such technological advances to share with your species, 
once our greetings have been properly addressed.

		ZIZOR
	What is your companion doing with my subjects? 
They lie strangely separated upon my grand hall's floor.

		RASHIT
	Aliens!

		Captain Odie
	Oh. He is just um. "teleporting" them back to our homeworld. 
Piece by piece. We call it law enforcement.

		PORTLY
	Curious.

		NINA
	Shall we adjourn to the banquet hall?

		Harellen
	No thanks, we just ate-

Harellen barfs.

		ZIZOR
	... I ... KNOW.

		Captain Odie
	Why don't you "teleport" another one, Rashit.

		Rashit
	Aliens!

Rashit starts blasting another luftwaftian subject to hell.
Zizor dismisses nina and portly with a gesture.

		Curleigh
	This floor is sticky with goo.

		ZIZOR
	Now who are these little guests? 
They seem to not share your circulatory system.

Several tiny robots wiggle forth. Giyyy's teddy drops down and joins the group.

		Robot#1
	We are humble slaves your majesty. Doomed to servitude we cannot perform 
	due to our maker's penchant for adorning us with excessively sensitive…

		ZIZOR
	Nipples?

		ROBOT#2
	AFFIRMATIVE!

The tiny robots weep. some cry out in pain.

		ZIZOR
	Abomination!

		CAPTAIN ODIE (through clenched teeth)
	Gort dies.

All the nipple bots teleport away.

INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - FIXIT DUNGEON. AFTER AFTER MIDNIGHT.
Gort is seen giggling over his creation of another useless nipple bot, which wriggles off his greasy lap in pain.
Miyikill, his back to the camera, hands Gort another small robot, without nipples.

		Gort
	Yum.

All the old nipple bots teleport into the shot, a few feet above Gort, and rain down on his lap. 
Gort raises his arms and cheers, but quickly teleports away. 
Miyikill looks over at the pile of nipple bots, who all start wailing in pain. 
Miyikill sheds a single tear.

INT. LUFTWAFTIAN SPACE CRUISER. AFTER AFTER AFTER MIDNIGHT.
Gort appears on the Luftwaftian cruiser in front of everyone. 
Gort is promptly covered in nipples, and yelps in pain, but is teleported away before captain Odie can throttle him.

		ZIZOR
	Your mek-an-ic has been penalized, Captain. 
	
		Captain Odie
	We will do the penalizing, alien!

		ZIZOR
	hmm. There will be no need to insert such things into such places on my
body, Captain. At least, not until after the genius of the Luftwaftian 
race has delivered a new format to your culture.
	HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

Zizor throws back his head tosses his arms up into a v shape. All the other Luftwaftians imitate him.

		Rashit
	The bastards can read minds.

		CURLEIGH
	Wait a minute, what was with that guy that blew up this morning? 
	The one blabbering on about the END OF SPACE ITSELF?

the Luftwaftians are all visibly shaken and taken aback. Zizor tries to calm his mates.

		ZIZOR
	This query involves a troubling parcel of prose parameters that we
Luftwaftians usually fear to expose.

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	What?

		ZIZOR
	But in the interests of interspecies peace we will endeavor to aid you in
your enlightenment. All Luftwaftians, concentrate as one.

All the Luftwaftians squint and ball their fists.

		ZIZOR
	A man was speeding. You... endeavored to pull him over.

		CURLEIGH
	I’m going to shoot him. give me your gun.

		HARELLEN
	I don't have a gun. I was sleeping. We were all sleeping, see-

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	Now you're doing it.

		CURLEIGH
	Just be patient.

		ZIZOR
	You began to ask him why he was in such a hurry. 
	You, were aroused. You, were snapping photos of the damage done to his 
transport.  You realized you'd left the lens cap on for the first dozen 
photos and decided to unzip your-

		CURLEIGH
	We are in a hurry!

		RASHIT
	Please. Please god.

		ZIZOR	
	The man... began to explain his hurry. You all... were sleeping in beds.
Peacefully. Except for you, who was pleasuring-

		CAPTAIN ODIE
	The man! In space! The end of space!

		ZIZOR
	the man's name was Laurent Perpotray.
	He was a ... prominent scientist in the field of astrological
redevelopment. He ... was... a vegetarian.

Curleigh yawns loudly. 

		Harellen
	I wonder where Trystic is right now?

INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - FUNCTIONLESS AIRLOCK. WAY AFTER MIDNIGHT.
Trystic floats in zero g, in his space suit, without his helmet on.

		TRYSTIC
	Captain? Curleigh? Harellen? Hello?

Trystic taps his badge repeatedly, because it is supposed to function like a walkie-talkie. Suddenly he changes direction. He taps his badge again, and changes direction again.

		TRYSTIC
	OOOOOOooooohhhh.

Repeated badge tapping sends Trystic around in odd directions.
Then a door opens. Trystic's badge tapping sends him through it, an idiotic grin on his face.

INT. LUFTWAFTIAN SPACE CRUISER. SUPER AFTER MIDNIGHT.

		ZIZOR
	... he played ping pong with an uplifted primate named sally. 
	Sometimes when his co-workers had left, he would stay late with sally, working on her technique. 
	She opposed his advances-

		RASHIT
	Goddamnit! Stop with the-

		ZIZOR
	PLEASE! I must concentrate. He spoke to you of the end... the end of... the end. the end of... 

CAPTAIN ODIE loses it and attacks Emperor Zizor. He is teleported from the ship.

		ZIZOR
	The end of... 

		Harellen (whispered)
	Space.

		ZIZOR
	Yes. space. THE END OF SPACE ITSELF! he tried to explain that space is not
actually a void. It is more like a soup broth, and the smallest elements, 
which you call atoms, are actually huge greasy beef chunks floating in 
this broth, but that there was a soon to be an end to broth. Soon. 
It will be stirred. and swallowed. Within the next few units of time.
Before the end of... space. He ...

		RASHIT
	Get to the point, Alien!

Rashit aims his gun at Emperor Zizor and tries to pull the trigger. Rashit is teleported off the ship.	

		ZIZOR
	Quantum particle conflagrations. ..
	the moebius strip stripped and reverted to an inverted co-he-drecacon...

		Curleigh
	yes. yes!?

		ZIZOR
	Relative. Relativity. Relatives... coming to dinner. Last Christmas.
Forgetting to bring a dish. A dish filled with broth made from small ... 
Pekanise dogs. a caramel popsicle. Ok. Fine. Happily. Well. You see-

SPLORT!
All the aliens explode in the same strange manner as Laurent Perpotray at the beginning of this episode. Curleigh and Harellen are knocked to the floor.

		Harellen
	*#^@$%!$

		CURLEIGH
	So... hello? You can send us home now? Aliens?

THE END