SPACE COPS EPISODE 1 : Big Brains Filled with Goo. PROLOGUE: INT. SPACE. LAURENT PERPORTRAY, A mangey man in a tattered expensive suit, rips through hyperspace in his hondaDY2000. Flashing lights emerge behind him as the whole gang of space cops on lazer cycles give chase. A voice blasts through his ship as Laurent pounds the controls. COP SLOW THE VEHICLE DOWN NOW, SCUM, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. LAURENT PERPORTRAY SRAT YOU, PIGS- HARELLEN, a sexy spanish space cop in army fatigues, empties a shoulder mounted laser cannon into the speeding ship's ass. Everything slams on the breaks as the ship shits a cloud of metal disarray. MITBOWL, a muscle bound austrian, and CURELEIGH, a spry australian, leap from their lazer cycles and tear into the hull with clawed gauntlets, which shred the ship's delicate shape. DUM-E, a chinese gymnast, parks his lazer bike in front of Laurant's crumbling ship. DUM-E Halt, civilian! Regulation five sixty niner alpha indicates- Dum-E is vaporized by the hondaDY2000's forward blasters. CAPTAIN ODIE AAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! CAPTAIN ODIE SIREISH, manly american leader of the space cops, implodes Laurant's windshield with his cycle and manages to deck Laurant before everything on the bridge is sucked back out into the vaccuum. Laurant suffocates and bleeds from various orifices until an interrogation preservation suit is applied by officers TRYSTIC, a blue antennaed arab, and GIYYY, a handsome british family man. Laurant is left hog tied and spinning in this tight white bag with metal manacles. An umbilical handle connects his bound hands/feet to his large fishbowl bubble helmet. Mitbowl emerges from the ruined honadDY2000 hull. MITBOWL TALK, MORTEFOSHKER! CAPTAIN ODIE Why were you speeding, asshich? Laurant drifts towards Harellen, and gasps his helmet's oxygen like a hyperventilating actor. Harellen kicks Laurant over to Captain Odie and lights her death styxerette. Sireish snags Laurant by the umbilical, and their face masks clink as Sireish shouts in Laurant's face. CAPTAIN ODIE You better start talking, civilian, or i'm gonna let mitbowl over there gut you with his ion sickle. Laurant's head rattles around in the fishbowl, smearing the clotted blood on his face. The other space cops present stand at attention in a circle around Captain Odie, but drift around in odd directions. The perps eyes dart around as he trys to shrug his head down into his oversized neck piece. Officer Curleigh emerges from the ruined hondaDY2000, snapping photos of the wrecked space ship and the floating debris. CAPTAIN ODIE GODDAMNIT! TRYSTIC TALK, TICK! TALK! Captain Odie spins the perp around towards Mitbowl who reaches out greedily. Mitbowl's facemask is speckled in spit and drool. LAURENT PERPORTRAY ALRIGHT! Jesus. the hell is wrong with you cocks! Captain Odie wraps a mighty paw around the laurant's throatpiece, choking him. CAPTAIN ODIE That's the last time, civilian. Captain Odie throws the perp to Mitbowl who catches him by jamming a fist into his stomach. Mitbowl then roundhouses the perp, which causes his head to bounce around in the glass bubble like a rubber ball. MITBOWL I need no more reasons to erase you, Puke. LAURENT PERPORTRAY You could not possibly begin to understand what is to be explained- Mitbowl roundhouses Laurant again. MITBOWL Try me. LAURENT PERPORTRAY Have you studied even the most rudimentary of orackish continu-umon theory? This is impossible! Take me back to your superiors. At least- GIYYY Oh please. We've been through gradeschool. CAPTAIN ODIE We know that one plus one doesn't always add up to two. CURLEIGH We know that one is the loneliest way to perish, perp. TRYSTIC Try tell us to recieve the safe ties. Laurant looks around at cops surrounding him. LAURENT PERPORTRAY I shan't. MITBOWL Maybe we should let this one go, Capitan. Captain Odie nods. Mitbowl tosses the perp off into the inifite void. the perp wiggles pathetically and screams. LAURENT PERPORTRAY Gawd have mercy! I am talking about the END OF SPACE ITSELF! Do you think you rocky jockeys could possibly understand my meanings? Harellen's eyebrows pop up, and she looks to the captain. GIYYY Great scott! The end of space itself? HARELLEN Insanity. MITBOWL Uh, sir. Captain Odie nods repeatedly, like he's having a seizure. Mitbowl reals the perp in via a tractor beam he jammed in his guts earlier. LAURENT PERPORTRAY (in tears) Quantum particle conflaguration. The moebius strip stripped and reverted to an inverted co-he-drecacon. Caramel particles! GIYYY Give him here, Mitbowl. Giyyy floats up next to Mitbowl, and they both tug on his umbilical. TRYSTIC He has the space brain pain, no? LAURENT PERPORTRAY You don't understand, fine shiny police man, i cannot tell you any more for the risk of your own scientific sanity. MITBOWL We played this game seconds ago. GIYYY There's nothing we won't do to you, meat packet. Elaborate. Laurant winces, looks around, and hisses through his clenched teeth. LAURENT PERPORTRAY Ok. Fine. Happily. Well. You see- the perp explodes in a bloody mist of body parts, all over Giyyy and Mitbowl. GIY Frack! That is fracked up! CAPTAIN ODIE Did anyone? MITBOWL Not me, captain. CURLEIGH Nope. TRYSTIC Negative. HALLEREN Damnit. TRYSTIC Guess we should be reporting to the base then ey, Cap? The cops jet off to their cycles, the debris of the perps ship and body left floating. BEGIN OPENING CREDITS A boot stamps down onto alien soil, kicking up dust. A billion savage purple aliens run over a far off hill with spears and rocks. The boot belonged to space cops, who continue exiting their ship and locking and loading. One begins to fire. The alien race is demolished in laser fire. The starship endoprise rockets through hyperspace and a pair of spinning police lights raise into the foreground. A variety of cliche space bad guys (toys?) are thrown into sci-fi prison cells. Lazer Cycles blast off from a ruined city, dropping off a white sheet of plastic paper. Crying children drop to their knees in the rubble and look to the heavens. We see the plastic paper the cops dropped is a bill of service. Each of the space cops gets their own glory shot for their title. A cop slams a purple octopus's head into an interrogation table, then throws it around. The purple octopus hemmorages glowing green blood as he flies around the room. Another cop, in the shadows, wipes the glowing blood off his grim stubbled chin. END OPENING CREDITS SCENE 1: INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - MESS HALL. DINNER TIME. Curleigh sits with halleren at a long white cafeteria table and looks out through long crystal windows into space. Off in a corner, Captain Odie floats around giy and mitbowl, berating them. Everyone is dressed down in sweat pants and tank tops. Curleigh The captain still seem pretty spooked by that mess we left this morning. Ey halleren? Halleren eats. Curleigh I said 'ey, halleren?' Halleren eats. Curleigh Those tatoe's good? Halleren You know i didn't sign up for this pish, Curleigh. Not to bungle clues about the possible END OF SPACE ITSELF. Curleigh I might have. Halleren What does that mean anyway? Everyone knows it's limitless. Curleigh What did you sign up for? Halleren It weren't the food niether, Curleigh. I can tell ya that much, pretty boy. Halleren flicks her food at Curleigh while GORT, the skinny moustached mechanic, and MIYIKILL, the fat greasy mechanic, set their trays down at the table. Gort I heard you guys foshkied an arrest this A.M. and the Commish is gonna have the Cap's fine ass in a sling by breakdown. MIYIKILL uh huh! ass down! Harellen I know you aren't undermining the Captain, Gort. Gort I make things, officers. Things like small talk. MIYIKILL And bot nipples. Curliegh Just keep the oil stains on your side of the table. RASHIT, the sleaziest cop in the squad, and HELMET, a man in full space suit with shiny face shield, walk up. HELMET Is this seat taken? Halleren gestures. Helmet sits down with his tray in front of him. He is dressed in full space suit of an old rubbery design. his face shield hides him, with it's blue mirrored finish. RASHIT Fellows, allow me to introduce private ensign Helmet Ruddicker. HELMET Hi. I'm the new guy. Curleigh Obviously. Helmet salutes Curliegh with two fingers. HELMET Officer Vito Curleigh. Salutations. Halleren How long you been on the force, Ruddicker? Helmet Not as long as you, sargent Ovie Halleren first class. Curleigh You know halleren is sexless? She got it shot off and out 2 years ago when we were tooling around in the carni Sector. Halleren kicks curleigh under the table. Helmet I do know, in fact. Curleigh Ha ha. So, don't try too hard to impress her pants off. so to speak. um. Helmet's face shield reflects a strange silence. Miyikill That true? Halleren None of your business, grease junkie. RASHIT Ignore the mechanics, helmet. Gort So, new guy, what's with the getup? Miyikill Why full fatigues? GORT Didn't Rashit show you where the air lockers be? Helmet Fools. Gort What did you say, new meat?! Helmet Nothing. Forget it. Rashit Gotta admit, Ruddicker, I too am curious. Helmet I'd rather not talk about it. RASHIT Fair enough- HELMET Well, you know tiny asteroids could pepper the hull at any second, sucking this sickly sweet cafeteria atmosphere out into the death void, alongside your tatoes and swill, and you chumps would be left gasping like dead idiots while i floated pretty in this baby. Halleren You aren't serious. HELMET I am dead serious. Curleigh So this is what it's like to be the new guy. Rashit Well you must take it off at some point. To pee. For example. Curleigh Lemme see. Helmet I'd prefer you stayed away. For safetey's sake, sir. Curleigh Come on, rookie, lemme take a peak. Initiation. Helmet struggles to keep curleigh away. Halleren Lay off, Curleigh. Curleigh Um, No. HELMET I NEVER TAKE IT OFF! Helmet shoves curleigh away. Curleigh Ok. shish. Gort You know, friend, you could use some tuning. Miyikill I had a quadrangle wrench this morning (pause) but i lost it. Gort and Miyikill snicker and giggle. Curleigh Do you guys share a towel when you double ream the shower valve? Gort and Miyikill move to a different table. Halleren You know the millenia may have passed, but the chicken still tastes best kickin. Everyone nods in agreement. Rashit slaps Helmet on the back. SCENE 3: INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - Barracks. Midnight. A pajama'ed GIYYY sits up in a spotlit bed, stroking a small teddy bear prostrated before him. The rest of the space cops are sound asleep in the bunks around him. Tentacles slip out from Teddy's paws and carress GIYYY's fondling hands. GIYYY Teddy, sometimes i think you're my only friend. You have all the answers. You hold all the keys. Being an officer in this group is tough. It's tough to seek a shoulder to cry on. It's hard to keep my sanity when everyday i bring so much JUSTICE into the universe. Sometimes I think i should put you aside, Teddy. Neglect you. Deflect you. And write home to Veronica and the kidlets instead. Let them know that Daddy is still a man. That Daddy still wants to be their rolemodel. And a Loving, caring, and carressing hunk of steaming testacles. Let them know that I'll be coming for them soon. And the law won't keep us apart anymore than the stacks of corpses have kept me from being the most decorated officer in this whole hang nail outfit. But how can i explain the void that has grown up in the space between us? Like a bastard child fathered by my absense. How can i overcome the silence that has matured in the past 6 years to crush my connection to my only adored civilian loved ones? What is it, Teddy? what is the answer? what am i driving at tonight? TEDDY OUCH! FUCK! DAMNIT! GIYYY furrows his eyebrows, then flips Teddy over to reveal two grotesque Nipples bleeding on it's back. GIYYY Gort! GOOOORRRRT!! Giyyy jumps off his bunk and runs of for the door, screaming. GIYYY Wake up you sadistic shit! You sark nippled with your last bot buddy, Socket Head! Mechanical marauding just cost you your stinking life- Before Giyyy can exit the barracks, all the space cops are teleported away. SCENE 4 : INT. LUFTWAFTIAN SPACE CRUISER. AFTER MIDNIGHT. EMPERER ZIZOR sits in his throne stroking his chin. Beside him are his advisors NINA and PORTLY. Each of these identical Luftwaftian aliens has huge green brain sacks and flowing blue robes fringed in metal intricacy. The various space cops materialize inside the Luftwaftian throne room, still in the sleep wear. Emperer Zizor You were in your beds just minutes ago. Dreaming of anything but contact with a new breed of intelligent lifeforms. Rashit Aliens! Giyyy shoves Teddy behind his back, and muffles teddy's pained protest. CAPTAIN ODIE What the hell are you bloated head sacks? PORTLY We are not your naked schoolmates, though you spent the last 4 hours dreaming those devils would see your inadequate equasions of cultural redundancy improperly displayed on a chalkboard of blood. curleigh Where the sarc are we? ZIZOR One thing is for sure, cur-lay. you are no longer in your comfortable earthman beds. Rashit Aliens! zirrrr-whip the door to the throne room zips open and harellen and Mitbowl are escorted in by more luftwaftians. Mitbowl I am so angry right now. Harellen Why are we here? ZIZOR You wished to ask that question 37 seconds ago, before your captain, Oh-dee sy-r-ish, proferred his initial intimitable insult. Mitbowl Hey, where was- You were sleeping without clothing. a curious condition. to be so bare. One of our guards offered you his outer layer of lining so that you would be presentable in my presence. Mitbowl just glowers. ZIZOR Vanish him! Mitbowl teleports away. Rashit shoots his alien escort in the head, killing it. Rashit Aliens! Captain Odie Magic! ZIZOR We have merely sent his particles back to your ship, so they should learn some interspecies manners. It is perfectly harmless. Witness. Harellen is teleported around the room repeatedly despite protests. Rashit shoots another alien in the head. Then shoots his gooey remains repeatedly. PORTLY We have many such technological advances to share with your species, once our greetings have been properly addressed. What is your companion doing with my subjects? They lie strangely separated upon my grand hall's floor. RASHIT Aliens! Captain Odie Oh. He is just um. "teleporting" them back to our homeworld. Piece by piece. We call it law enforcement. PORTLY Curious. NINA Shall we adjourn to the banquet hall? Harellen No thanks, we just ate- Harellen barfs. ZIZOR ... I ... KNOW. Trystic Why don't you "teleport" another one, Rashit. Rashit Aliens! Rashit starts blasting another luftwaftian subject to hell. zizor dismisses nina and portly with a gesture. Curliegh This floor is sticky with goo. ZIZOR Now who are these little guests? they seem to not share your circulatory system. Several tiny robots wiggle forth. Giyyy's teddy drops down and joins the group. Robot#1 we are humble slaves your majesty. doomed to servitude we cannot perform due to our maker's penchant for adorning us with excessively sensitive (pause)- ZIZOR Nipples? ROBOT#2 AFFIRMATIVE! The tiny robots weep. some cry out in pain. ZIZOR Abomination! CAPTAIN ODIE (through clenched teeth) Gort dies. All the nipple bots teleport away. INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - FIXIT DUNGEON. AFTER AFTER MIDNIGHT. Gort is seen giggling over his creation of another useless nipplebot, which wriggles off his greasy lap in pain. Miyikili, his back to the camera, hands gort another small robot, without nipples. Gort Yum. All the old nipplebots teleport into the shot, a few feet above Gort, and rain down on his lap. Gort raises his arms and cheers, but quickly teleports away. Miyikili looks over at the pile of nipple bots, who all start wailing in pain. Miyikili sheds a single tear. INT. LUFTWAFTIAN SPACE CRUISER. AFTER AFTER AFTER MIDNIGHT. Gort appears on the Luftwaftian cruiser in front of everyone. Gort is promptly covered in nipples, and yelps in pain, but is teleported away before captain Odie can throttle him. ZIZOR Your mek-an-ic has been penalized, Captain. CAptain Odie We will do the penalizing, alien! ZIZOR hmm. There will be no need to insert such things into such places on my body, Captain. At least, not until after the genius of the Luftwaftian race has delivered a new format to your culture. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! Zizor throws back his head tosses his arms up into a v shape. all the other luftwaftians imitate him. Rashit The bastards can read minds. CURLEIGH Wait a minute, what was with that guy that blew up this morning? The one blabbering on about the END OF SPACE ITSELF? the luftwaftians are all visibly shaken and taken aback. Zizor tries to calm his mates. ZIZOR This query involves a troubling parcel of prose paramaters that we luftwaftians usually fear to expose. CAPTAIN ODIE What? ZIZOR But in the interests of interspecies peace we will endeavor to aid you in your enlightenment. All luftwaftians, concentrate as one. all the luftwaftians squint and ball their fists. ZIZOR A man was speeding. you... endeavored to pull him over. RASHIT i'm going to shoot him. give me your gun. HARELLEN I don't have a gun. i was sleeping. We were all sleeping, see- CAPTAIN ODIE Now you're doing it. CURLEIGH Just be patient. ZIZOR You began to ask him why he was in such a hurry. You, were aroused. you, were snapping photos of the damage done to his transport. You realized you'd left the lenscap on for the first dozen photos and decided to unzip your- CURLEIGH We are in a hurry! RASHIT please. please god. ZIZOR the man... began to explain his hurry. you all... were sleeping in beds. peacefully. except for you, who was pleasuring- CAPTAIN ODIE The man! in space! the end of space! ZIZOR the man's name was ralpherie Condarhast. He was a ... promintent scientist in the field of astrological redevelopment. he ... was... a vegetarian. Curleigh yawns loudly. Harellen I wonder where trystic is right now? INT. SPACE COP CRUISER - FUNCTIONLESS AIRLOCK. WAY AFTER MIDNIGHT. Trystic floats in zero g, in his space suit, without his helmet on. TRYSTIC Captain? Curleigh? Harellen? Hello? Trystic taps his badge repeatedly, because it is supposed to function like a walkie talkie. Suddenly he changes direction. He taps his badge again, and changes direction again. TRYSTIC OOOOOOooooohhhh. Repeated badge tapping sends trystic around in odd directions. Then a door opens. Trystic's badge tapping sends him through it, an idiotic grin on his face. INT. LUFTWAFTIAN SPACE CRUISER. SUPER AFTER MIDNIGHT. ZIZOR ... he played ping pong with an uplifted primate named sally. sometimes when his co-workers had left, he would stay late with sally, working on her technique. She opposed his advances- RASHIT Goddamnit! Stop with the- ZIZOR PLEASE! i must concentrate. He spoke to you of the end... the end of... the end. the end of... CAPTAIN ODIE loses it and attacks zizor. He is teleported from the ship. ZIZOR the end of... Halleren (whispered) Space. ZIZOR Yes. space. THE END OF SPACE ITSELF! he tried to explain that space is not actually a void. it is more like a soup broth, and the smallest elements, which you call atoms, are actually huge greasy beef chunks floating in this broth, but that there was a soon to be an end to broth. soon. It will be stirred. and swallowed. within the next few units of time. before the end of... space. he ... RASHIT Get to the point, Alien! Rashit points his gun at zizor and tries to pull the trigger. Rashit is teleported off the ship. ZIZOR Quantum particle conflagurations. .. the moebius strip stripped and reverted to an inverted co-he-drecacon... Curleigh yes. yes!? ZIZOR relative. relativity. relatives... coming to dinner. last christmas. forgetting to bring a dish. a dish filled with broth made from small ... pekanise dogs. a caramel popsicle. Ok. Fine. Happily. Well. You see- SPLORT! All the aliens explode in the same strange manner as Laurent Perpotray at the beginning of this episode. Curleigh and Harellen are knocked to the floor. Harellen *#^@$%!$ CURLEIGH so... hello? You can send us home now. Aliens? THE END