SPACE COPS SEASON FINALE "ostrich in evidence" LAST WEEK ON SPACE COPS: ostrich dog is led away in hand cuffs. ostrich dog is shot in the head, messily. "how could you have killd all those fucking people?!" someone asks the camera. PROLOGUE a house boat is floating through space. we zoom around it's gloomy rich corridors revealing various artifacts of space adventure. everynow and then we spot a space cop with gun out searching the premisises. Finally we get to the bedroom where a naked old man lies in bed watching a video. blood and drool trickle from the man's gaping mouth, but his dead eyes are locked on the vid screen. we pan around to reveal he is watching a video of himself having irregular sex with ostrich dog. blood sprays the screen, and we hear an alien birth scream. Halleran God damnit. God damnit. OPENING CREDITS SCENE 1: INT SPACE COURTROOM. Curleigh's twin brother presides over the case of the people vs. ostrich dog. opening arguments are heard. the government's speech is long and evil. Curleigh's replacement is a rookie named RONALV, whom ostrich dog has asked to be his defense. RONALV That was all bullshit. he . uh. didn't do any of that shit. the, uh, defense rests. He floats back to the bug eyed ostrich dog, who leans forward in disbelief and babbles in ostrichspeech. Ronalv look I don't know why you asked me to defend you. i'm not an attourney, goddamnit, I'm a cop! ostrich dog sheds a tear. SCENE 2: INT. JAIL CELL. >ostrich dog seduces its attourney by the end of their conference about how fucking bad the case is going.< ... ... RONALV i never let my clients take the stand unless the case is totally space screwed. but this case is totally space screwed. so i guess there's no choice, ostrich dog. ostrich dog nuzzles ronalv supportingly, bats its eyes, and babbles a tiny bit. RONALV I know, OD, i know. SCENE 3: INT SPACE COURTROOM. SCENE 4: INT SPACE COP CAFETERIA everyone argues about how unfair it is that the system is going to destroy ostrich dog. somebody should do something. helmet can't take it anymore and slams his gun into hsi holster and storms out. everyone stares after him in disbelief. RASHIT That fucking guy just goes off to work? just like that? how can he enforce at a time like this. Halleran I don't think he was going to enforce, rashit. I think he was going to do something about ostrich dog getting ass raped by the system. Trystic dumbass. SCENE 5: ostrich dog takes the stand. BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Ostrich dog places its wing paw on the bible and babbles. the bailiff looks around, obviously not up on his ostrich speech. BAILIFF So uh. does that mean that. OstrichDog babbles. BAILIFF lemme start over. Do you swear to tell the - OstrichDog babbles! JUDGE please sit down, bailiff. BAILIFF Right. RONALV So, ostrich dog. why don't we start at the beginning. OstrichDog babbles. RONALV Tell us everything. OstrichDog babbles. and starts to choke up. members of the space jury begin to tear up. the bailiff looks pissed off. RONALV Take you time. it's ok OD. just pretend none of these people were here watching and recording your intimate confessions. (beat) Bailiff, could we get the defendant a glass of water? Would that be too much to ask, for crying out loud?! jesus. Ronalv is visibly shaken, his hair quite mussed and his eyes red and puffy. OstrichDog slowly starts babbling again. a jury man jots down some pictograms and "bok bok" notes. a glass of water floats through the air spilling everywhere in zero g. helmet bursts in through the rooms main hatch, break it slightly with his fury. HELMET HOLD EVERYTHING! OstrichDog, DON"T SAY ANOTHER GODDAMNED WORD! the audience erupts in disapproval and suprise. Judge Order! Order! Ostrich dog starts to gesture wildly and babble loudly in protest. HELMET Don't try and stop me, OD. this has gone on long enough. I have a story to tell that will end this case once and for all. PROSECUTOR Thank God. Judge This is highly irregulor, officer- RONALV Well your honor i have no further questions for seargent Ostrich Dog. if the prosecution has no further questions, i would love to hear what mr. riddicker has to say. Helmet bursts throught he barrier between court and audience. HELMET Damn straight. PROSECUTOR I have no further questions your honor. Just endless objections. Judge I'll allow it. PROSECUTOR Whatever. Ostrich dog settles into it's chair next to Ronalv, and it's eyes dart around the room. The bailiff floats toward helmet as he settles into the stand. Helmet waves him off. HELMET Yeah yeah, i swear. all the time. fuck off. The bailiff just floats by. HELMET As I said before, I have the evidence that will settle everything. I'm only sorry that it took me so long to come forward. Those that know and love me are aware that i refuse to remove my helmet for anything. Well, today... Helmet reaches up and fiddles with his neck. After several grunts and pains he removes his helmet. HELMET Today all masks will be removed. The audience gasps. We see that helmet is a more humanoid version of ostrich dog, like big bird. (note: helmet's voice sounds much more chicken like without his helmet. far less boba fett). Ronalv lurches forward in his chair, in shock. the judge pounds his gavel demanding order. the prosecutor just laughs maniacally as his sanity goes. HELMET I am ostrich dog's oldest son. I just wanted everyone to know that i'm OD's brat. and i'm proud. I'm a freak of nature, and i'm proud. Damnit. i'm proud of my promiscuous progenitor. Helmet's lip quivers and he looks to his parent. OstrichDog sheds a tear. helmet sheds a tear. HELMET I obviously didn't keep my state issued helmet on purely for safety reasons, OstrichDog. I'm sorry i kept it quiet so long. But i just wanted you to know that i love you. And i'm ... I'm proud to be your son. ronalv sheds a tear. the Judge sheds a tear. the gavil sheds a tear. the prosecution looks confused. The bailiff looks around. various audience members tear up. the music swells. a space rock tears a hole in the hull, and everyone is thrown around by the sudden pressure change. all present hang on desperately as they are sucked to their deaths. Everyone is screaming and the wind is deafening. ostrich dog sees helmet's handhold slipping, and that helmet is crying and bleeding from the eyes. ostrich dog wails pitifully and lets go... just about everyone present screams out "NOOOOOOO!" in slow motion as ostrcih dog flies through the air. ostrichdog plugs the hole in the hull with it's long head and neck. SCENE 6: Ext COurtroom. Space. ostrich dog stares at the camera as it's head freezes calmly in the void of space. it's tears freeze. the stars reflect in its large lovable eyes. the credits start to roll. a sad song kicks in. toward the end of the credits ostrich dog's body just blows out a huge hole in the hull and inside we can see everyone scramble for handholds again and start screaming as before. the credits end. fade to black.