FRENCH SPACE - v1b by Jonason Ho and Warren Blyth Ext – DEEP SPACE S.S.cargo, a flour-de-lis shaped spacecraft cruises across the screen. Int – Spacecraft Kitchen Space Chef Renoir Delacour is at the kitchen counter. Renoir This is the diary Of Space Chef Renoir Delacour. The crew constantly complains about the food. They say they want to eat veal. I've explained that cattle have been extinct for at least three years. But they do not care. Time may be running out for me. Chef Renoir looks longingly into the life-sized cow model. The truth is, I also miss veal. Every night I dream, Of a forbidden fantasy Of the tender hiney meat Of the baby cattle. I chew it. Chew it. Chew it until all flavors is gone. Insert shots of slaughterhouses and supermarket meat section? But when I wake, I am covered in last night's sticky leftovers. It is tre' unbearable. They are too imbecile' to understand the pain they cause me. The captain will understand. I have a jar of standard military issue steer sperm preserves. I must convince him to stop on a passing planet and let me impregnate some livestock. Anything with four legs will do. I must create something that moves slowly and pisses milk, as soon as possible. Sooner. We must have veal before I am eaten in its place. INT – Spacecraft officer's deck Space officer Antoine Cliché, a suave, slender sailor with an eye-patch, wearing a ruffled-sleeved pirate shirt, is staring out to the space lounge. Cliché Space. It's so cold. I'm lonely. There, is a lonely, cold space, In my heart. No amount of space exploration can fill this space. There is no point to go on. Existence is suffering. I shall end myself this week. This night, This hour. But first, I would like to eat a properly prepared dish, A light Mousse de Saumon et Capres savior avec a les veal polenta. But the chef is a fool. I do not expect this wish to be fulfilled. Now some cognac would fill the holes in my very soul. Int – Spacecraft, medical station. Dr. Olivier Rimbaldi, sporting a crazy beard and tattered clothing, is staring at the door. Dr. Rimbaldi This is the journal of the S.S.cargo's chief medical officer, Jean Rimbaldi. I do not understand how the doors on this ship operate. I must get out. I have made desperate cries for help on the intercom system. No one replied. Perhaps they don’t know how to reply. Perhaps this is not an intercom system. Perhaps everyone died months ago and I am alone on a ghost ship. Two sliced of French bread shoot out from the chow chute, breaking Rimbaldi’s concentration by hitting him in the face. The bread is hard as rock. INT – SPACECRAFT, CAPTAIN’S QUARTER Captain Philippe Bidibulle ferments in his sherry. CAPTAIN Captain's log, star date: whatever. The food on this relic is shit. I must have the chef killed. I would rather my entire crew starved to death than being subjected to anymore of his inferior cuisine. Torture is not a french crime. But last week's grapefruit Soufflé au Fromage was a sin against nature. It is driving me mad. Tomorrow I will stop eating. Yes. Yes. Tomorrow I will kill someone. TITLE SEQUENCE Three monster beasts fight to the death in the desert. Ships sweep through space. People fire phasers past camera. Clothing is torn. (etc.) perhaps oil paintings of key characters? INT – THE SS ESCARGO – HALL WAY. Captain is walking down the hall, he looks annoyed and disgruntled. The door to the main bridge opens. Captain enters. The following crew members are working at their stations: -Communication officer Marie Anna Beret, a woman with big hair and big tits. She wears a scarf around her throat and big sunglasses. -Security officer Grant Lacon, his jumpsuit is unzipped, displaying manly chest hair and several gold-medallions, which he won from weightlifting and golfing contests. -Pilot Patrique Seabianien is at the main controls, he has two heads. Both heads have handle-bar moustaches and spotting monocles. - A navigation droid is working away in front of a 3D space map. - Rodeo cowboy clown is riding a mechanical bull shaped like missile, in the corner. Security officer Grant approaches Captain. Grant Sir, you still have to give the authorization to seal off section D to Z from 9 to 12 and from 1 to 5. The crew members should be at their station during these time. Therefore it’s ok to seal off the doors. This way terrorists won’t be able to sneak in. Grant turns around to grab a few documents from his desk. Grant (facing away from captain) Here are the updated rules and regulations from the central… Captain looks very annoyed. He takes out a knife, ready to kill. A digitized, computer voice comes from the background. Computer Hostility alert. Activating le system de intervention du murder. A laser beam struck captain’s knife, melting it. Computer Hostility prevented. Deactivate le system de intervention du murder. Grant turns to captain. Grant. There, if you don’t believe me, just read these. (hands captain a thick stack of reading materials.) Captain I cannot read. Grant (flipping out.) ZUTALOH! YOU YOU YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT! YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU CAN’T READ, EVERYTIME I NEED SOMETHING FROM YOU THAT MUST BE READ… A laser beam melts the laser gun that captain was removing from his coat. Computer Deactivate le system de intervention du murder. Grant You want evidence? You want evidence? Grant turns around to open a security box. aptain takes out a tampon and lights it's “fuse.” Computer Murder alert. A laser beam vaporizes the tampon. Computer Murder prevented. Deactivate le system de intervention du murder. Grant (dumping bunch of clothing on captain’s desk.) We found these uniforms scattered about on the deck 7. Is one of the crew without his uniform? I don’t think so. Obviously an intruder boarded the ship, dressed as a crew member… Captain gives up, lays across his command chair and lights a cigarette. Captain I NEED WINE. WINE! DAMN IT! 1976 la peno noir de Champaign du Chenvigonon! EXT – SPACE. All is calm. ZOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM - A Merezipon warship comes out of hyperspace. INT – Merezipon warship bridge Corporal Hurlez Sir, we’ve detected a Cargo ship in the delta, three-nine quadrant. Captain Dossoulz Well, well, well. Excellent. Lock and load. Corporal Hurlez Yes sir! Ext – Merezipon warship Merezipon warship’s laser cannon activates. INT – SS ESCARGO Communication officer Cest Les Merezipon!!!! Security officer Go to red alert! Two-headed co-pilot Where are my hats? I gotta put my hat on. Droid Lift up a cake!!! It’s gonna get burnt!!!! Rodeo Clown Throw it! Throw it! Just throw it!!! Captain (growls)Merizipons. Ha. (spits.) INT – MEREZIPON SHIP Merizipon PILOT Sir, the target is within range. Merizipon Captain Heh heh, tell me, who is our first catch of the day? Merizipon pilot Sir, it's a French intergalactic Class C cuisine cruiser! Merizipon Captain Oh shit. Damnit. Disengage the lasers! Full throttle in reverse! Let’s do this quietly. (beat) I sure hope they didn’t notice us. INT – SS Escargo Space officer Antoin Cliché and Space Chef rushes into the bridge. Cliché We are under attack!! Communication Officer Captain, we shall we do? Pilot (both heads now wearing hats.) Sir, perhaps the Orion maneuver? Captain takes a slow sip of the wine. Captain This wine is piss. Droid Sir, may I, perhaps, humbly, suggest following the space union code, chapter 14, section 5, where it’s stated that all men, no matter… Rodeo Cowboy Clown Yeehaww yipppeeee yeehawwww. Captain SILENCE! (smacks his desk.) Everyone shuts up, staring at the Captain. Captain takes his time taking a cigarette out of his chest pocket. He lights it. Slow pan of the crew members. Now staring nervously at the Captain. Pilot tapping his fingers on the dashboard. Communication officer is twisting in her chair. Security officer is tapping his feet nervously. Suddenly the finger tapping, chair twisting, feet tapping goes in rhythm and the french crew starts singing a la triplets of belleville tune. INT – Merezipon ship The crew is silent, holding their breath. Hoping the French didn’t notice them. Suddenly the communication screen flicks on and it’s the S.S.cargo doing Triplets of Bellville. The crew goes nuts. Merezipon captain HOLY SHIIIIIT! Int - SS Escargo The crew is still singing. Space officer steps into action! Cliché I have had enough. Cliché knocks over the pilot, gets behind the dashboard. Its controls and knobs are 60s mod-style garishly-colored primitive geometries. He readies himself for battle. Cliché Fire! EXT - space S.S.cargo fires off a round of torpedoes. The torpedoes are mimes. They fly through space then pretend to explode on the surface of the fleeing Merezipon warship. INT – Merezipon ship bridge Merezipons crew are freaking out. A robot has something come out of his crotch - which he sticks into an outlet, R2D2 style, and explodes. INt – SS ESCARGO Bridge Close up of Cliché’s hand pulling the trigger. Close up Cliches’s face covered in sweat. Marie Anna Beloom staring at the Cliché. Ext – Escargo torpedo launcher The torpedo launcher is now running RIDICOULUSLY fast. Int – Escargo torpedo launcher Rodeo cowboy rides a robot cow while cheering the mimes as they line-up to get into the torpedo launcher, which looks like a very bright happy disneyland elevator. INT – Merezipon Ship From the screens we can see hundreds of mimes coming towards the ship. Merezipons Captain DEFLECTOR BEAM!! FULL BLAST!!! DAMN IT MAN, IS THE HYPERDRIVE READY??? INT – Merezipon Ship: Lower Hanger Bay. The mimes are landing outside the airlock. Merezipon soldiers aim their lasers at the door. The mimes “pretend” to open the airlock, and suffocate in space, grinning. Merezipon soldier 1 What the fuck are they doing? The mimes keep on “opening” the airlock. Merezipon soldier 2 Oh god damn it! Just open it! Just open it!!! AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH. The irritated soldiers fire into the door, and each other. Door explodes. The fire and suddenly loss of pressure kills all the soldiers. INT – Merezipon Ship Bridge. Merezipon crew Sir we just lost pressure on deck 12! Merezipon Captain God helps us all. EXT – Merezipon Ship Merezipons is taking a heavy beating. The nearby 2 planets and 4 moons blows up. INT – Merezipon ship Merezipon Corporal Sir the hyper drive is good to go. Merezipon Captain EEENNNNGGGAAAAGEEEEEE. Merezipon Corporal But Sir! EXT – Merezipon ship Merezipon warship fires random rockets and just spins horribly in strange circles, warping around a very small area. Randomly firing and short circuiting. Flinging dead mimes in every direction. INT – S.S.cargo Bridge Communication Officer They are retarded! Crew breaks out in cheer. Captain is oblivious. Cliché calms down, staring into his shaky hands. Marie wipes sweat from his forehead. They make out. Captain Get me engineering. Communication officer Yes sir. INT – SS Escargo – Engine room. The main reactor core is a 4 sided fireplace that all engineers sit around at little round tables. It is dimly lit, like a posh French coffee bar. The engineers wear turtlenecks, floppy berets, and smoke cigarettes while reading papers. Bossa nova is playing in the background. One man dances alone in the corner. The phone rings. An engineer calmly puts down his paper, walks over to the phone. Engineer1 Wie? Captain The damage report. Engineer1 Dom-ahge? Captain Is this Moncalierie? Report god damnit! Engineer1 Aw qui. qui. Les damage nez pas, Dominique? Engineer2 sighs, takes his time walking over to a dot-matrix printer, tears off a sheet and wanders to a spotlit microphone. He reads… Engineer Where is the wind that blew across my heart? Where is the river that ran into the sea? The captain is moved to tears. Captain Put this on the main intercom. I want everyone to listen. Communication officer nods and twirls a few dials and knobs. EXT- SPACE Merezipon warship slams into a planet repeatedly, then poofs out some smoke and drifts backwards. INT – Merezion Bridge Merezipon Pilot The reactor Core is kaput, sir. Switching to auxiliary power. That was a close call. Merezipon Captain Damn them. Damn them. Suddenly the screen flicks on and It’s S.S.cargo’s engineer giving a psychological damage report in the form of a bad love poem. S.S.cargo Engineer (on the monitor) Where is the flower that blooms in your heart? Does it need to be fertilized? Merezipon Captain Oh no. No. What is this? no... Merezipon Crew NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Merezipon crews unravels, tears at their hair, and screams their lungs out. Merezipon Captain Destroy the intercom! Merezipon Pilot I can’t sir. It is the only thing on the ship which is not broken. (Pilot turns dials and switch to no avail. Short circuit sparks from the control panels.) One Merezipon crew member stabs himself in the eye. Another Merezipon crew slits his own wrist. Captain raises his laser rifle to his temple. Merezipon Captain Man the escape pods. Abandon ship. Most of the crew flees the bridge. Merezipon Pilot Captain? Merezipon Captain See you in hell, French spawn. See you in hell. Merezipon Pilot Captain? Captain blows himself out of frame, revealing the pilot's gaping shock. He curls into a ball on the floor and pets a photograph of his wife back home, weeping. Merezipon Pilot It’s all right now, baby. It’s all right. Daddy is coming home. Daddy is coming. EXT – MEREZIPON SHIP Badly damaged Merezipon ship silently drifts backwards into the sun. hundreds of escape pods fire just in time, but we pan right to reveal them all flying into a second sun. INT – S.S.cargo: medical bay. Chief Medical Officer Jean Rimbaldi dances around, and tries to smoke the rock hard bread that lies around his chow chute. INT – S.S.CARGO: Bridge Chef enters the bridge. He carries tons of baguettes in his arms. He approaches captain. Chef You want to eat a baguette? You want to eat more baguettes than bags. NO. NO. You do not want to eat this baguette. I know you don’t want to eat baguettes. I know you want to eat veal. Yes? No bread? You must… you must let me impregnate cows. Yes? No. Cows, no veal, yes? You no want to eat no more bread? The captain puts a cigarette out on his arm. Captain takes out a large sabre. Computer Murder alert. Murder alert. Activating le system de intervention - Chef becomes more frantic as he talks. Baguettes fly from his hands and jam the “murder prevention laser,” causing an impromptu red-disco-light-show. Captain succeeds in stabbing Chef repeatedly in the heart. Captain growls. Die you fiend, die. Yes. YES! Chef Ooooooh, la la, my god I've been stabbed!!! Chef spits ton of blood on captain's face and drops dead. Computer La murder was not prevented. Captain turns and the crew are staring at him. (awkward silence) Captain starts humming the French anthem. One by one, each of the crew member joins in the singing the anthem. At the end of the song, everyone cheers and applauds. Captain Out of a frying pan into the fire. We shall prevail. Out of the rock and into the space. We shall continue to maintain freedom, justice and the French way. (beat) Engage. Pans from Captain to the dead chef on the ground. Ext – S.S.cargo SS Escargo takes off into hyperspace. THE END