FRENCH IN SPACE Ext – DEEP SPACE SS Escargo, a spacecraft shaped like a snail cruises across the screen. Int – Spacecraft Kitchen Space Chef Renoir Delacour is at the kitchen counter. Renoir This is the diary Of Space Chef Renoir Delacour. The crew constantly complains about the food. They said they want to eat veal. I said that cattle have been extinct for three years. But they do not care. Time may be running out for me. Chef Renoir looks longingly into the life-sized cow model. The truth is, I also miss veal. Every night I dream, Of a forbidden fantasy Of the tender hiney meat Of the baby cattle. I chew it. Chew it. Chew it until all flavors is gone. Insert shots of slaughterhouses and supermarket meat section? But when I wake, I am covered in last night's sticky leftovers. It is tre' unbearable. They are too imbecile' to understand the pain they cause me. The captain will understand. I have a jar of standard military issue steer sperm preserves. I must convince him to stop on a passing planet and let me impregnate some livestock. Anything with four legs will do. I must create something that moves slowly and pisses milk, as soon as possible. Sooner. We must have veal before I am eaten in its place. INT – Spacecraft officer's deck Space officer Antoine Cliché, a suave, slender sailor with an eye-patch, wearing a ruffled-sleeved pirate shirt, is staring out to the space lounge. Cliché Space. It's so cold. I'm lonely. There, is a lonely, cold space, In my heart. No amount of space exploration can fill this space. There is no point to go on. Existence is suffering. I shall end myself this week. This night, This hour. But first, I would like to eat a properly prepared dish, A light Mousse de Saumon et Capres savior avec a les veal polenta. But the chef is a fool. I do not expect this wish to be fulfilled. Now some cognac would fill the holes of my very soul. Int – Spacecraft, medical station. Dr. Rimbaldi is staring at the door. Dr. Rimbaldi This is the journal of the S.S.Escargo's chief medical officer, Jean Rimbaldi. I do not understand how the doors on this ship operate. I must get out. I have made desperate cries for help on the intercom system. No one replied. Perhaps they don’t know how to reply. Perhaps this is not an intercom system. Perhaps all of them died months ago and I am alone on a ghost ship. Two sliced of French bread shoot out from the chow chute, breaking Rimbaldi’s concentration. The bread is hard as rock. INT – SPACECRAFT, CAPTAIN’S QUARTER CAPTAIN Captain's log, star date: whatever. The food on this relic is shit. I must have the chef killed. I would rather my entire crew starved to death than being subjected to anymore of this inferior cuisine. Torture is a crime. Last week's grapefruit Soufflé au Fromage was a sin against nature. It is driving me mad. Tomorrow I would stop eating. Yes. Yes. Tomorrow I will kill someone. TITLE SEQUENCE Three monster beasts fight to the death in the desert. INT – THE SS ESCARGO – HALL WAY. Two space ship crew members, dressed in coveralls, are looking out into a tiny, circular, window. Crew member 1 is holding a mop and a bucket. Crew1 It’s sure cold in space. Crew2 Oh yeah it’s sure cold. Crew1 Man, I’ll bet it’s really cold. (Shivers.) Crew2 Oh man, no need to bet. You know it’s cold. (Shivers and rubbing his hands together.) Crew1 Yeah man it sure looks very, very very cold. (teeth chattering.) Crew2 I wish it would stop man. I really wish it would. (Shaking uncontrollably from the cold.) Crew1 Oh yeah. Ohhhhhh yeaaaahhhh. (Shaking, and falls to the ground and keeps shaking.) INT – THE SS ESCARGO – HALL WAY. Captain is walking down the hall, he looks annoyed and disgruntled. The door to the main bridge open. Captain enters. The following crews are working at their stations: Communication officer Marie Anna Beloom, a woman with big hair and big tits. She wears a scarf around her throat and big sunglasses. Security officer Grant Lacon, his jumpsuit is unzipped down his chest, displaying his manly chest hair and several gold-medallions, which he won from weightlifting and golfing contest. Pilot Patrick Seabianian is at the main controls, he has two heads. Both heads have handle-bar moustache and spotting monocles. A navigation droid is working away in front of a 3D space map. Rodeo cowboy clown is riding a mechanical bull shaped like missile. Security officer Grant approaches Captain. Grant Sir, you still having given the authorization to seal off section D to Z from 9 to 12 and from 1 to 5. The crew members should be at their station during these time. Therefore it’s ok to seal off the doors. This way terrorist won’t be able to sneak in. Grant turns around to grab a few documents from his desk. Grant (facing away from captain) Here is the updated rules and regulation from the central… Captain looks very annoyed. He takes out a knife, ready to kill. A digitized, computer voice comes from the background. Computer Murder alert. Murder alert. Activating le system de intervention du murder. A laser beam struck captain’s knife, melting it. Computer Murder prevented. Deactivate le system de intervention du murder. Grant turns to captain. Grant. There, if you don’t believe me, just read these. (hands captain a thick stack of reading materials.) Captain I can’t read. Grant (flipping out.) ZUTOLOT! YOU YOU YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU CAN’T READ EVERYTIME I NEED SOMETHING FROM YOU YOU MUST CAN READ… Captain takes out a Laser gun. Computer Murder alert. Murder alert. Activating le system de intervention du murder. The laser beam melts the laser gun. Computer Murder prevented. Deactivate le system de intervention du murder. Grant You want evidence? You want evidence? Grant turns around to open a security box. Captain takes out a bomb with lit fuse Computer Murder alert. Murder alert. Activating le system de intervention du murder. The laser beam defuse the bomb. Computer Murder prevented. Deactivate le system de intervention du murder. Grant (dumping bunch of clothing on captain’s desk.) We found these uniforms scattered about on the deck 7. Is one of crews without his uniform? I don’t think so. Obviously an intruder got on the ship, dressed as a crew member… Captain gives up, lay across his command chair and lit a cigarette. Captain I NEED WINE. WINE! DAMN IT! 1976 la peno noir de Champaign du Chenvigonon! EXT – SPACE. All is calm. ZOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM - A Merezipon warship comes out of hyperspace. INT – Merezipon warship bridge Corporal Hurlez Sir, we’ve detected a Cargo ship in the delta, three-nine quadrants. Captain Dossoulz Well, well, well. Excellent. Lock and load. Corporal Hurlez Yes sir! Ext – Merezipon warship Merezipon warship’s laser cannon activates. INT – SS ESCARGO (In one shot) Communication officer It's Les Merezipon!!!! Security officer Go to red alert! Two-headed co-pilot Where are my hats? I gotta put my hat on. Droid Lift up a cake!!! It’s gonna get burnt!!!! Rodeo Clown Throw it! Throw it! Just throw it!!! Captain (growls)Merizipon. Ha. (spits.) INT – MEREZIPON SHIP Merizipon PILOT Sir, the target is within range. Merizipon Captain Heh heh, tell me, who's our first victim of the day? Merizipon pilot Sir, it's the Frenchie inter-galactic snail ship! Merizipon Captain Oh shit. Damn. Disengage the lasers! Full throttle in-reverse! Let’s do this quietly. (beat) I sure hope they didn’t notice us. INT – SS Escargo Space officer Antoin Cliché and Space Chef rushes into the bridge. Cliché We are under attack!! Communication Officer Captain, we shall we do? Pilot (both heads now wearing hats.) Sir, perhaps the Orion manuvre? Captain takes a slow sip of the wine. Captain This wine is piss. Droid Sir, may I, perhaps, humbly, suggest following the space union code, chapter 14, section 5, where it’s stated that all man, no matter… Rodeo Cowboy Clown Yeehaww yipppeeee yeehawwww. Captain SILENCE! (smacks in desk.) Everyone shuts up, staring at the Captain. Captain takes his time taking a cigarette out of his chest pocket. He lights it. Slow pan of the crew members. Now staring nervously at the Captain. Pilot tapping his fingers on the dashboard. Communication officer is twisting in her chair. Security officer is tapping his feet nervously. Suddenly the finger tapping, chair twisting, feet tapping goes in rhythm and the french crew starts singing a la triplets of belville tune. INT – Merezipon ship The crew is silent, holding their breath. Hoping the French hadn’t notice them. Suddenly the communication screen flicks on and it’s the SS Escargo doing Triplets of Bellville. The crew member goes nuts. Merezipon captain HOLY SHIT THEY ARE SINING AGAIN SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN IT OFF. Int - SS Escargo The crew is still singing. Space officer steps into action! Cliché I’ve had enough. Cliché knocks over the pilot, gets behind the dashboard. Its controls and knobs are in the shapes of croissant and Eiffel tower. He readies himself for battle. Cliché Fire. EXT - space SS Escargo fires off a round of torpedo. The torpedoes are mimes. They fly through space then pretend to explode on the surface of the fleeing Merezipon warship. Int – Merezipons ship bridge Merezipons crew are freaking out. They see mimes coming at them. A robot has something comes out of his crotch and sticks into the outlet like R2D2 style and explodes. INt – SS ESCARGO Bridge Close up of Cliché’s hand pulling the trigger. Close up Cliches’s face covered in sweat. Marie Anna Beloom staring at the Cliché. Ext – Escargo torpedo launcher The torpedo launcher is now running RIDICOULUSLY fast. Int – Escargo torpedo launcher Rodeo cowboy is cheering the mimes as they line-up to get into the torpedo launcher, which is shaped like coffin. INT – Merezipons Ship From the screens we can see hundreds of mimes coming towards the ship. Merezipons Captain DEFLECTOR BEAM!! FULL BLAST!!! DAMN IT MAN, IS THE HYPERDRIVE READY??? INT – Merezipons ship lower deck. The mimes are outside the airlock. Merezipon soldiers aims the lasers at the door. The mimes “pretends” to open the airlock. Merezipon soldiers What the fuck are they doing? The mimes keep on “opening” the airlock. Merezipon soldiers Oh god damn it! Just open it! Just open it!!! AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH. The irritated soldiers fires into the door. Door explodes. The fire and suddenly loss of pressure kills all the soldiers. INT – Merezipons ship bridge. Merezipon crew Sir we just lost pressure on deck 12! Merezipon Captain God helps us all. EXT – Merezipon Ship Merezipons is taking a heavy beating. The nearby 2 planets and 4 moons blows up. INT – Merezipon ship Merezipon Corporal Sir the hyper drive is good to go. Merezipon Captain EEENNNNGGGAAAAGEEEEEE. EXT – Merezipon ship Merezipons warship retreat full blast hyperspace style. INT – SS Escargo Communication Officer They’ve retreated!!! Crew breaks out in cheer. Captain is oblivious. Cliché calms down, staring into his shaky hands. Marie wipes sweat from his forehead. They make out. Captain Give me engineering. Communication officer Yes sir. INT – SS Escargo – Engine room. The main reactor core is the fireplace that all engineers sit around like a posh French coffee bar. All the engineers are sitting around in turtlenecks, wearing berets that’s really floppy, smoking cigarettes and reading papers. Bossa nova is playing in the background. One man dances alone in the corner. The phone rings. An engineer calmly puts down his paper, walks over to the phone. Engineer Yes? Captain The damage report. Engineer Damage? Captain The intellectual, psychological, and the (beat) emotional damage. Engineer Aw qui. Aw qui. Les damage nez pas? Engineer takes his time walks over to a dot-matrix printer, tears off a sheet and reads… Engineer Where is the wind that blew across my heart? Where is the river that ran into the sea? The captain is moved to tears. Captain Put this on the main intercom. I want everyone to listen. Communication officer nods and turns a few dials and knobs. INT - Merezipons warships. Merezipons Pilot That was a close call. Merezipons Captain Damn them Frenchies. Damn them. Suddenly the screen flicks on and It’s SS Escargo’s engineer giving a psychological damage report in the form of a bad love poem. Escargo Engineer (on the monitor) Where is the flower that blooms in your heart? Does it need fertilizers? Merezipons Captain Oh no. What’s this? Merezipons Crew NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Merezipons crews unravels and screams their lungs out. Merezipons Captain Turn off the intercom! Merezipons Pilot I can’t sir. It’s broken. (Pilot turns dials and switch to no avail. Short circuit sparks from the control panels.) One Merezipon crew stabs himself in the eye. Another Merezipon crew slit his own wrist. Captain raise his lazer rifle to his temple. Merezipons Captain See you in hell Frenchies. See you in hell. Pilot aims the ship towards the sun. Merezipons Captain It’s all right now. It’s all right. Daddy is coming home. Daddy is coming. EXT – MEREZIPONS SHIP Badly damaged Merezipons ship silently drifts into the sun. INT – SS Escargo – medical bay. Chief Medical Officer Jean Rimbaldi dances and tries to smoke the crusty bread came from the food chute. INT – SS ESCARGO. Chef enters the bridge. He carries tons of baguette in his arms. He approaches captain. Chef You want to eat baguette? You want to eat more baguette. NO. NO. You do not want to eat baguette. I know you don’t want to eat baguette. I know you want to eat veal. Yes? No bread? You must… you must let me impregnate cows. Yes? No cows, no veal, yes? You no want to eat no more bread? The captain puts cigarettes out on his arm. Captain takes out a knife, ready to stab Chef. Computer Murder alert. Murder alert. Activating le system de intervention du murder. Chef becomes more frantic as he talks. Baguettes fly from his hands and knocks over the “murder prevention laser.” Captain succeeds in stabbing Chef repeatedly in the heart. Captain growls. Die you fiend, die. Yes. YES! Chef Oo la la, my god I've been stabbed!!! Chef spits ton of blood on captain's face and drops dead. Computer La murder was not prevented. Captain turns and the crew are staring at him. (awkward silence) Captain starts humming the French anthem. One by one, each of the crew member joins in the singing the anthem. At the end of the song, everyone cheers and applauds. Captain Out of a frying pan into the fire. We shall prevail. Out of the rock and into the space. We shall continue to maintain freedom, justice and the French way. (beat) Engage. Pans from Captain to the dead chef on the ground. Ext – SS Escargo SS Escargo takes off into hyperdrive. THE END